adrienne maree, the luscious satyagraha

oh kyoto

domo arigato! shinkansen! karimizudara! i love this language, all i know how to really say beyond pleasantries is 'i will not wait': machimasen!

i should wait and post reponsibly, instead of in this exhausted magical haze. but..machimasen!

my mother and i just got off the shinkansen from kyoto, the bullet train, fastest train in the world they say. my next post, if i can figure it out, will all be photos. i took pictures of temples, flowers, a grasshopper that weathered my curiousity and camera, shrines, buddhas; i took a picture with the woman who befriended me on the train from hiroshima by getting me to sing her amazing grace. how she knew that was my first song ever, i'll never know. i took photos of the atomic dome in hiroshima and - some really jarring shots there that i may not post, that place struck deep into me, i'm not sure how to write about it.

here, though, are some thoughts that came to me throughout the trip in random order:

- i could live in kyoto, easily.

- i'm riding through the green mountains of the japanese countryside listening to peyote songs sharoncita burned for me with my new wrap from bali around my head and shoulders, listening for words that fall in a different rhythm to hear our destination. tokyo, hiroshima, kyoto, tokyo, fussa.

- i am seduced by the use of space in this country - driving through tokyo (kyo-to-to-kyo) i can see tiny cars parked on roofs of apartment buildings, the cemetaries are tight, cremated remains where depth indicates when one was buried. i could write an entire love-post on my feelings about japanese bathrooms, both the daily hole-in-the-floor which i have mastered use of, and the high-end super-bidet heated seat toilets...mmm, so nice. laundry is dried on balconies, i have seen the wardrobe of most of western japan now.

- i keep listening to love songs, juxtaposing the need and sacrifice of the songs with places of prayer. one of the lessons i keep contemplating here is the adoration that went into the design of these holy places we're visiting. what it means to love and worship...i don't know that you can ever truly win a battle against someone who fights for love. perhaps that's our best weapon after all. i know i am full of it, love.

- love hotels! there are hotels here where, because families live three to a home sometimes, you can rent a room for a few hours with proof of marriage, and have a love hotel afternoon. mmm. ahem.

- i once accused, i think by ricardo, of idealizing japan. but i'm an idealist, duh, sooooo what i do with every day of my life. and being here again i am just as enthralled, the secret villages, hidden streets you turn down and suddenly there's geisha running to work, secret streams running between the palaces of the emperor and his favorite woman. this place is really magical, even the modern is superior to our modern.

- an hour outside of hiroshima i begin to wonder how far the blast could be heard, felt; how far was safe, what it looked like in this mountain crevice of a town.

- americans are so loud. i could live in kyoto if i could get over the feeling of general lack of style and ability to speak discreetly. the girls here all wear tiny heels, or tall ones, the street style is off the chains inspirational. americans stand out all thumbs, and loud. i overhear a conversation between retired art teachers, snide, promising each other 'juicy' stories...they look like school marms. the last i hear, they say: 'she's so self-absorbed, how could she love?' ooh, lessons everywhere...

- hiroshima teaches me that america has learned nothing. the photos from before and after, and the feeling there in the heart of the city, making a peaceful space in the center of the destruction...and we are still shock and awe, we are still obliterating civilian populations and supporting others to attack innocent people. no evolution has occured between our gorgeous hallowed borders, hiroshima fills me with shame, not so much for what happened then before i came, but for the america of today.

- on the train home there was a shiver through the train and everyone looked left and suddenly, there she was - fuji! fuji-san, she inspired two poems of questionable quality, here you go:

1.

when you see her/she is a giant holy whisper/a love song surrounded by the islands she is a part of but so much greater than/leaning back against the sun/laughing as she disappears

2.

she doesn't play with the other mountains/she doesn't gather, rolling in the distance/she doesn't care to be seen every day/in the hot summer she drops her eyes, wrapping her hair in gauze, another holy woman/you might see through when the sun cuts her a shameless silhouette/but she blows and billows and is gone again/for she doesn't want all your wanting

- i love fuji, she makes me understand sacred places in a different way

- i have a list of cities i want to return to when i fall in love, to take my lover with me to see these places where i better understood love, devotion, perfection in space. kyoto is now on that list. there are rumored to be 2000 temples and/or shrines. i want to go back and ask for blessings at each one.

that is all for now. i thought a lot about this blog, my fear of letting it go, plus the overwhelming responses that i shouldn't end it so selfishly. i still feel i should, but am thinking of ways to keep something, maybe monthly or something, to edit down to some core. or not. not to tease, just - this is exactly the problem, how can i keep things from you?

my muscles ache from climbing mountains for blessings - i drank holy water! it is time to sleep now. photos tomorrow, i promise!

snakes on a plane

"enough is enough!

i am tired of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"

watching this classic with my parents was really a special experience. including mile-high snake murders and all the parts you most don't want a snake to devour...i LOVED this movie.

ok i really must go, i must go go go.

karynn, an anonymous blog...well wouldn't that just ruin my resolve?

i have this big smile on my face today and just have to say, my life is so full of blessings and more blessings! look for those in your own life - i swear nothing has changed but i opened my eyes!

the archer in me

checking in again...i am 16 hours ahead here, have adjusted quickly though my body sometimes has a moment of feeling it should be asleep or awake when it's simply not the time.

so i believe i have told you all about my fixation on robin hood. the disney children's movie robin hood. it's deep to love the disney version of the ultimate hero in redistribution of wealth, but i was raised with that robin as my hero, that bear little john as my sidekick of choice - and any sly cat with money as my nemesis. the fox, the archer = my identity.

so i just got back from my first stint at archery and i must say, i have a touch!

my dad has replaced doting over us girls with doting over 18 holes of golf. the attention and memory and passion he brings to golf amazes me, and in the 10 years i've been away from home he's been dropping his 'handicap' like it's hot. my mom has even picked up the lingo and finds it meditative.

so on my first day in japan, we drove up to their favorite course, tama hill, where he played a 5:30 am game. he showed me the course in little golf carts and it is really a beautiful place, all rolling hills. golf is weird to me. tama also has horse rides, archery, put-put golf...stuff i associate with rich people country clubs in the states.

we missed the guided horse ride, which was ok with me because i like to just go with a horse into the woods, not have to follow anyone. archery, however, was $5 for a bow and 6 arrows. no quiver (to hold the arrows), no instructions. but get the bow in hand and examine it a bit and it becomes clear what to do.

at the end of a muggy muddy field were three much used targets, yellow red and blue. it turns out i have a powerful shot, my arrows landing each time well beyond the targets. unfortunately, behind the targets was an untamed jungle full of spiders and spiderwebs. yes i have been camping and no, i still don't want to traipse about in the muddy spider filled jungle with beetles crawling up my ankle...thus, my aim improved. sometimes. and - to be honest - leave no arrow behind did Not apply. but i started hitting the target, and had a golden run. my competitive nature tried to come up, but i bitchslapped it back into place and really had fun.

my broken, slippery glasses were fogging up in the heat. i'd get the bulls-eye in my sights, and then rush to relax, center and release before the glasses fell down my nose or fogged up. finally i took them off - the coloring of the target made it still possible to try...i had my stance right, figured out my natural error...and release. it was exhilerating - such a simple weapon, so satisfying to use.

i can only imagine how i will be with new glasses, or post lasik. did i mention i am trying to get some lasik eye surgery? i have an astigmatism in my left eye, and everyone says that disqualifies me. i don't care, i am going to at least get it on my right eye. luscious one eye brown. sassy.

the novelty of being in japan and the size of everything, the logic that prevails in the lay-out of inside spaces - especially bathrooms, dear go i love the bathrooms here! some are holes in the floor where you don't have to touch anything potentially dirty with any part of your body - heaven!...it will take a bit to wear off, but i'm here for a while yet.

what i didn't know was that in the summer the air gets too thick with moisture to see fuji. i know she's over there, but just beyond what can be seen, there's no clear days till the cold comes in winter.

tomorrow by this time i'll be in hiroshima, my mom and i are taking the bullet train to the most famous bomb site in the world. i keep thinking i can somehow prepare myself emotionally, but i know that is silly - everything i ever feel, i feel in totality, its a dangerous side effect of trying to be so present. the way i have lived up until now, since i was very little, is to lean into the atrocious, unimaginable acts we humans commit against one another, because my work is to deconstruct the urge to obliterate each other. what can be moved deep in our hearts to unleash the forgiveness and compassion necessary to keep us from ever dropping another a-bomb? from staging another 'shock and awe' effort. i suspect it is inner strength, paired with an ability to hold responsibility for the legacy of violence we inherit. where i am going tomorrow, this thing that happened before i or my parents was born, it is the legacy of the country of my birth, the great shame of humanity, it is part of the reason i am in japan right now.

and that brings us to: no trip home is seamless. my mind is in a few places: watching the ever increasing love and comfort between my parents, thinking about why i have historically run interference on that kind of love in my own life...finding a place in their constant dialogue to tell about life; thinking about someone who makes me blush; seeing the hushed morality of my parents in their respective worlds...how often do i mistake an overt political stance for a brave one? telling them about my job - (dad: so who is your boss? me: i am. dad: but who...runs it? me: i do. dad: ah! ok!)

at some point maybe i will explain the more collective way things actually run at ruckus, and my dreams for it and how to balance that with 6 people's dreams...the staff is brilliant and everyone is playing a part, and our success will occur when each of those parts is equal. but what is important here is that he understand how seriously i take the work, not the inner workings. 

we walk that finest of lines - i love my parents so much, and they love me and have never faltered in that. no debate, no difference of opinion so far, has been big enough to damage that. none of us is on a pedestal now. literally - we're about to curl up on a couch and watch the weekly political shows they love. i may not get to write again before we leave, and hiroshima and kyoto will take me away all week...have a nice one!

narita!

i woke up at 5am this morning in california, it was a thursday, had to write a letter to my grandfather, i miss him immensely...now its 10p.m. on friday outside tokyo and i haven't slept. i like to push hard when i cross time zones, like i can fake out jetlag. it never works, but this state of mind is nice, either lucid or mad. btw: christina aguilera album - get candyman downloaded asap.

at the airport this morning i got to talk to someone who is at the beginning of realizing she has been setting her personal bar of love too damn low. nice to hear her resolve. friends i speak to these days - we're learning how to do this stuff, feel n shit.

like i felt a lot coming here. the journey here today can only be described as grueling. 9, 10 hours on the plane in a window seat next to an extremely friendly young japanese man who spoke no english. i read 'ender's game' start to finish. amazing amazing read - thanks to j.c. - and i mastered a crossword puzzle. and with a huge amount of smiling, my neighbor and i communicated through several potentially tense moments. halfway across the ocean i had (cover your ears if you're lame enough to be embarrased by) my period started, and i had no motrin. different! i tried to master the whole thing, the pain especially with brain power, which, in recent retrospect, is hilarious. inner dialogue:

- hey you're whole mid-section is in pain...is that your period?

- no way

- u sure? make it go away!!!

- no...didn't pack meds. is it really cramps? maybe its just gas or liver failure?

- no, that's it, dude. what else hurts this bad that isn't death?

- what should i do?

- go to the bathroom and talk the pain down in the mirror

- but i just went 30 minutes ago, my seatmates will hate me!

- who cares, you don't know them?

- the smiling one is so nice tho!

- he won't be when you damage the seat next to him and your cute pants, which - why do you dress cute to travel anyway? any way you are about to be really embarrassed and i am going to laugh

- but so will you!

- um no, at times like these i have way of checking out.

soooo much explained there.

then off the plane, met my momma in the airport where we waited two hours for our bus, which then took three hours in traffic to get us home. the baby which was so cute two seats behind us was learning to communicate via gutteral scream, dear thing. the sky was gray, fuji wasn't visible, and tokyo in the glaring light looked a bit more efficient than ebullient. still excites the hell out of me.

tomorrow we head somewhere for horseback riding while my dad golfs. when in japan...lol, since my sisters and i moved out my parents have really become jetsetters. it is so good to see them so deeply in love with each other, to be here around them, on their ground, to see their post-kid systems.

i wrote a long piece on the plane, about these moments of disorientation that sometimes hit when i am in the air and have to really consider where i am going, not in a theoretical way, or even in an official calendar way. but in the way of preparing to be in a place. what are the rules, what do i need out of my time there? i am often heading to another place; this one's first signs of shift are drivers on the right side, seats all half the size of what i intend to put in them, and super cute little accessories on sale everywhere.

unplugging from the work is as odd as flying. though i don't know how unplugged i am, i got home and immediately started talking about how exciting it all is right now. i wonder how it must be for my parents - if they can see the similarities between me now and at 6 years old, excited to tell them all about what is happening for me out in that world. the energy can't be so very different, if tinged now with the sadness that i don't participate in that outside world with any innocence. i know it's all falling apart no matter how good it looks on any given day. i know my excitement is directly related to a hope most think is silly even when it's touching.

i also realized on the plane that i feel a pressure to write some amazing substantial posts since i only have a few weeks left of writing here. so some of the subjectively best stuff i wrote on the plane i will save for later, and i may even plan a few of these out and see how that goes. i've received a few interesting requests for what i should cover before i end it: unveiling the heartbreaker, more found poetry, my personal theory of change, giving up some identities of folks blogged of here. silly silly silly silly - i have no plans to divulge any of that so of course stay posted.

and tomorrow, japan

the amazing schedule this week has included non-stop back to back meetings with everyone i could possibly think to meet with to make sure things are cool for me to vacation for real in japan! oh its me and the parents, just like it was when i was 3! i am so excited. the last time i was in japan was December of 2004 and i was so moved by the place.

the idea is to do everything ahead of time so i can actually relax there, but it's hard, i dream ruckus these days. but it's like i'm in love with every aspect of the damn thing.

parenthetical break from happiness: (i just heard a jacked up story about my favorite airline jetblue - that raed jarrar, a friend of a young online organizer i know as scuba steve, was recently stopped by jetblue in d.c. for wearing a shirt that said 'we will not be silenced' in arabic and english and interrogated for 4 hours and then told he had to turn the shirt inside out or wear one they bought him to board the plane. he made the case that he's a peace activist, and the freedom of speech angle, to no avail. jetblue is my favorite airline, what can we do to bring them back from the edge of fear? they even took my boy kip's nalgene bottle!)

i have too much to do still to be writing to y'all but...i am in such a delightful mood these days. is it the coming vacation? is it the amazing job and amazing staff? is it my somewhat mysterious new friend? is it all the excellent new music i've been given (j.period best of the roots, christina aguilera, and three travel mixes)?

oh speaking of music, check out naeem, i met this kid in 04 doing electoral work in philly and he slipped me a little peak at some music he was making, including this song i fell in love with called backyard betty. then his music comes on in bryant terry's car...apparently now naeem's blowing up! i heard it cause bryant was driving me home from an AMAZING night at daniel alarcon's house that featured the good company of mike molina, this dope brother from hard knock radio, favianna, adam mansbach, ibrahim and two non-swedes, londoners who were visiting. talk about some great conversations, a beautiful evening of beautiful people unlimited good conversations...

ok now back to the pile of wrapping up!

oakland weekend

my first weekend in oakland i:

- went to sf for an amazing dinner cooked by my dear friend renna, who is deeply involved in helping spread the word about some justice for lebanese women and children.
- did LAUNDRY...by myself like i took it there and did it. it was surprisingly not as hard as i was expecting, since its been so long since i have done it myself, i am a dropper offer. but they were playing a movie there and i had a book to start, which i will tell you about...
- had an amazing brunch with daniel and dana, old columbia heads. maturity is nice in these conversations, we are able to slip quickly and easily into deep pockets of conversation
- did dishes!
- had a date that might just qualify in my top dates of ever ever. i still have more life to live, but it was a delight in every way.
- i finally saw an inconvenient truth. it made me cry, and made me extremely proud of the struggle that my daily work supports. i highly recommend it to everyone, as soon as possible. go gore, this is what you're meant to do. {i know you don't read this blog gore. but if still. just the sentiment.}
- read an entire book: the kite runner. please tell me you have read this, or will go read it right away. what a lovely, timely, amazing, painful book - i laid in bed sunday laughing and crying, carrying the book with me into the kitchen to make a snack and out on the the porch to get some sun and back into the house, everywhere i went, i didn't want it to end.

and so the california love just continues to grow...

this week i am on blast because i head to japan on thursday. there's more work and meetings to do than can ever be done but i am loving it. everyone says its cause i am jsut starting...i hope the magic lasts. so much exciting stuff - one of ruckus' campaigns (quarantine wal-mart) was in the new york times weekend review this past weekend!! here's the photo and here's the article it accompanied!

stanky places

i just got back from the stankiest place i have ever been.

part of the end of summer for ruckus is clean-up - all the crap in the office was gathered into the front of the office, and then i and operations diva megan had to dispose of it. naina showed up this morning fresh faced from her campaigning for aimee allison for district 2 city council, and made off with a car full of office supplies.

a berkeley high teacher took a fax machine and a vcr.

but the kicker of the day was that megan and i drove truckus, the little red ruckus truck that just barely could, to the waste management center - acres and acres of waste in the sun. story high piles of styrofoam, logs, garbage. the smells - i have only been that overcome by the smell of place twice before - after 9-11 in a brooklyn backyard where the scent was coming over the water, and in new orleans. the ground was covered in sludge which is still on the bottom of my new pumas (that's what i get for only buying new sneakers every 3 years). i can't even name the things that were rotting there.

i won't feel clean for a while. the air felt toxic, and both megan and i were just slack jawed at the reality, which we talk about often but rarely encounter, that we humans create so much waste, bring so much destructive nasty wasteful crap into being without thinking of how it will be disposed of. in a word it was depressing.

i don't want to leave you on a funky note for the weekend though...so...i wrote this last night after a bus ride:

tonight a family got on the bus. I noticed them first because the homeless smell penetrated my ipod daze. I looked up and there they were, two kids, 4 and 8 if I had to guess, then the mother with a baby in a stroller, then another child, 5 ish, then the dad with another kid in the stroller. the kids clothes didn't fit, and were somewhat soiled. the parents sat on opposite sides of the front aisle with the strollers, and proceeded to continue a conversation that started before they boarded, while simultaneously dialoguing with the children. each child was a unique combination of the mother's delicate face with the fathers big sparkling eyes and confident smile. beautiful, among the most beautiful children i have ever seen. the older kids were quick with retorts and jokes. the entire family dynamic, the feeling of belonging and comfort and intellect and rhythm in how they all interacted was so inviting. i started playing face-off with the kids and it was the best bus ride ever. i really hope when it's time i am able to start a family with such blessed energy and abundance as those 7 had.

and stay posted - i may have something interesting to report after this weekend ;) first though, i must wash!

MIRAH

i feel like i have been wandering around waiting for the albums of mirah to creep up behind me and envelope me in a happy moment. so many sounds and massive revelations in the music - all couched in this soft little sexy voice. i heart mirah.

good moves happening on the jeff johnson, though he prolly isn't changing tactics - a group of much-respected hip-hop folks currently working on voter engagement got together and spoke to jeff and are trying to be part of a healing process, while being honest about how this blackwell endorsement makes us feel. the feeling can best be expressed like...'NOT BLACKWELL!!!' Jeff is next-level smart, so much else about what he's thinking is reflective of where we've all been in our frustration with the bi-partisan cold-shoulder on responding to the issues of people of color, including real voting rights, when it's not presidential election time. if it was any other candidate, i might be really coming out behind jeff...but blackwell, to me, is still the largest symptom of the disease. still, dialogue is happening, and the opportunity for folks to start expressing that we would sure like to stand in solidarity with each other and be TALKING about what's the right next move, instead of just acting in 20 directions and wondering why change don't come a callin. this may bore some of y'all but i think it is moments like these where the approach for the next phase of movement start to crystallize - will we sit in distant camps, will we love each other enough to be accountable and critical and still hold each other?

speakin of come a callin, i was supposed to go to l.a. this weekend (mansion in malibu, and some peeps i never get enough of), and also supposed to go to minnesota for the twin cities hip-hop summit. toki wright is the SHIT, so i just want to say if you are within two states of the twin cities this weekend, that is the place to be. but as i prepare to go to japan, i just have too much work to set in place to take off anywhere! i'm shaking off that adrienne 'can't say no' mentality in sooo many ways. the first lesson of executive directorship: boundaries are yo' friend!

when this mirah song ends i am gonna leave the office. or the next one.

give dem a run

i love mirah, listening to her music makes me happy and makes me want to go in the studio.

counting down to japan - will i figure out how to do my laundry by then?

i have all my lovely sheets and am about to go into red sheet mode, which changes everything from the dreams on out.

here's the best thing i heard today:
http://www.urbaninsite.com/replay/iquitthisbitch.mp3

still reeling a bit from ny, and last night had another excellent session with jessamyn involving homemade risotto we made - well, she mostly made it and i stirred :)

that's all for today! i am running around so much these days!

whew

i write this in oakland with ny still on my skin. traveling with no lip balm, oil, deoderant or water is really demoralizing...i am so excited to be home :)

first, a political note for the history books:

a few weeks ago I was in chicago and had a talk with jeff johnson, aka cousin jeff from b.e.t. he mentioned some brilliant ideas he's been working on, but then he said he was considering endorsing blackwell over strickland for Governor of Ohio. i told him the idea was ludicrous, the wrong front for his battle. he said blackwell met with him when strickland ignored his outreach, and that blackwell had an economic plan for black people, and that anyway, blackwell hadn't been proven to be involved in any voter fraud. now it sounds like jeff's starting to go public, and its so disappointing. it's hard enough that the man whose incompetence paired with his willingness to pay for his rise in power with the voting rights of his own people seems unstoppable. he doesn't deserve the help of such a smart, savvy, committed public figure as jeff. it's sad that we haven't fostered the kind of solidarity where jeff could see other ways to make his point about the weaknesses of the democratic party's relationship with black folks. i hope we as people of color in the voting community can love jeff enough to make it safe for him to change his mind before its too late, otherwise the work in ohio will be doubled at minimum, reaching the black vote.

notes from new york:

- i was walking around ny and, as i have been seeing signs everywhere, i decided to put my ipod on shuffle and see what came out as my walking-around-ny-at-night music. Surprise, surprise: "Fall in love" Slum Village. i searched for 'Many Rivers To Cross', Jimmy Cliff.
- the heartbreaker still takes up space in NY. in oakland i recently had the experience of forgetting his name for an hour. and even though i know he's far away i kept seeing him on the corners of these streets. this town is the flyest ghost town ever.
- i dropped my glasses in the locker room of the baths and spent the rest of the day going around without glasses and i must say, i kind of love the sparkly ny without the details that can only be seen in sharp sight. in the baths every body looked flushed and soft and lovely. in the streets, the city seems cleaner and smoother and brighter. but i kind of hate the staff at vision express in the basement of macy's who refused to help me put the frame back together so i could see for the rest of my 'early birthday' weekend. never mind that tho, you can't stop a girl with superglue and a dream!

my sister's house is full of costume type things, and i tried them all:

from the plane:

charmed and spent!
1. My sisters whisked me away for all my favorite foods and experiences: pierogis at veselka, caprese at tanti baci, croque madame at le monde, the baths, cheap shopping, turning off my phone ringer. And we went to mass at autumn's church, where the pastor gave a very progressive homily. i am cheap on clothes but not scents - yes, i got an $18 block of soap from lush (from my sister april!). it smells like heaven in a whiskey bottle with a whisp of smoke at the bottom.
2. Then I caught mervyn marcano and khari mosley's pre-black august early tipsy at rice, where beautiful jenn was workin take-out like a polo-shirted fairy. 6 hours later she gave me a bubbly massage, mm-mm jenn! i've seen the black august line-up before, lots of talent, but i had to choose a night with friends watching 'do the right thing' in the summer breeze, eating catfish and mexican corn.
3. I arrived at habana to gifts, hugs, and king leke selling me this dress with a whisper in the ear, plus I found a handpainted trucker hat to go with me new pumas. someone whispered to me that they too had a heartbreaker, oh the exquisite pain, when love changes every day.
3a. AND jeffrey wright was there with his son and some dangerously low slung pants. a dear friend whose name i will not mention here nearly fell down before screaming, "my life is complete, i've seen jeffrey's ass crack." crass, but really, jeffrey made it feel like a poetic exposure.
4. Shane and sofia got me a gorgeous turquiose bracelet to go with my now coordinated perma-jewelry...did I tell you i upgraded my nose stud to turquiose laid in white gold? I had a dream once about a woman with turquoise crowns and a pet turtle in her mouth, I have never forgotten that way of seeing prosperity.
5. dear friends rolled thru habana and the night was so nice. we left early-ish so i could get my bag of jersey knit sheets from shane's house (almost the last of my move, my sweet soft sheets in every color) since i had a 5am departure time - and we went in mayor ramos' sweet smelling benz, whatever that means - but we had to come back out again for more partying! which i never ever do!
6. And we came back to champagne toasts from sofia and lopeti and a knock-out round of spitfire flirtation in every direction. there was a woman there with the most amazingly huge round behind, and it became the topic of conversation as she batted her eyelashes. 'my whole family looks like this.' collective 'damn' from the latenighters. and then, sting like a butterfly, come home with me. the game was afoot but i was a-sleepy :) Nobody does it like brooklyn. The hour I slept was full of dreams of comfort and plenty, the wisdom: cupped in the palm of love you will know no need. The sun is starting to rise here, it will chase me all the way home.

on the future of the blog:

i appreciate the sweet words, but i think i am going to begin a countdown to the end of this blog, to end on september 6, 2006. i want the new challenge of finding other spaces to be heard, spaces that require more discipline and editing and art than this one has come to. here i am just too tempted to spill it all. i'm starting a series on what i've learned about how organizations grow before i turned 30. i have a piece out in the next clamor on fat activism. we are starting a blog for ruckus where i can let off political steam. we know i can write a lot, and expose a lot, without much feedback...what's next?

i have been asked about publishing a collection of the best of this blog. if you think i should pursue this idea, email me about your favorite posts - you don't need to find it, just if you remember the topic, and we'll see if there's enough here to publish into something, or if it was truly an indulgent exploration.

and so 23 days left of blogging then. and counting!

spooked in ny

The moon is red, and all day long I've heard whispers - london, caught something, be careful. I hadn't seen the news, woke up surprised it was late and ran from meeting to meeting. Got the red black and green pumas I been wanting, and some $5 'pashminas' on canal, saw sofia, and my sister (whose office looks out over the WTC site, that hole in the earth, cement hole with nj transit running through the middle which I can't even comprehend, started a day by journeying through that tragic space), trina and reshma, this tibetan I promised I'd help, my therapist - I wanted her to see how happy I am - and then shonali. Pg. I travel all the time so I need to believe that plane-of-death are a moot strategy, when the rumors solidified into facts I couldn't feel it, I can't take that into account emotionally, I don't want to live with that kind of fear...but...yeah ny is a mess right now. Being back reminds of how much since 9-11 I have loathed going underground on the train - I almost never have to do that in cali, I forgot how much that sets stress into me. Pg. It rained so all the people spooked by red alert security on the train were thwarted, no trains running anywhere I want to go. But I'm minutes from jalen, hope he's still awake. Pg. Someone who I think never notices me called today to say there's a noticable difference when I'm not in the room. Pg. Tomorrow is as packed as today. Ny again, and I feel like an observer from a place of light, strolling these dark streets I know so well. This is where I honed my survival skills. Ah I'm here, jalen awaits!

loving california

While I must admit I am excited to be in ny this weekend and see family, see friends, I am Loving california. The weather, my life here, its truly a delight. My friendships here get deeper daily, there's an intentionality to things here I really appreciate. I daresay I may get homesick for the West when I next leave it.

I sat yesterday in a meeting of funders and organizers around environmental justice, and it made clear again how much I don't identify as a comunity organizer. I organize, my brain is an organizing mind, but I lack the patience I see so prevalent in these lovely people. My work, big vision strategic work, is to make their work visible and fundable and fresh, to ensure less repetition of failing models...but I have a great respect for those who started somewhere, are driven to sit with a community for a lifetime, shifting. I am not from a place other than the military, my counter-recruitment work is the closest I come to bringing it home.

Lately my identity has been more and more clearly that of an artist - not just the singing, i've been drawing again, dancing again...I love creation, I love weaving together the current iteration of all that has happened. I love to organize what I see and learn into something beautiful. i love to bend over backwards 7 times to make sure justice can flow to those with the most need. when i visit my family, and build with them over the issues that effect them, that effect me, i know my place is not with them.

Found poem:

Heard last night at a bar: "I was born in the sky, its funny to you but that's my life."

Poem:
I was born in the sky
On the way
We aren't where we began anymore any day
I haven't had a country but
I know one makes you fight
I haven't had a nation
But you who love borders love me
Boxes, histories - shared fantasies
Earlier today is a lie
I don't even remember my birth
Its laughable
and! and - I might never find a pass,
A way to cross out of this place
Nebulous birth is that prison
There is only the ocean and the fire
And that long term desire
Called love

So, can we take a moment for how hard love is. All around me love is falling apart, being tested. The shadow of the valley of death, that's love, moments before its realized. Nothing is worse than the anticipation of loss - putting yourself on the line and being rejected. I have seen the rejection on so many faces lately, its brutal, its so brave. The stories people tell themselves to get through it...I have one friend who keeps it so raw and real, it's about not wanting to be alone anymore. It's an edge, gets under your skin. I am no where near the edge, i am nearly to the point of watching shadows on a cave wall and noticing patterns when it comes to that sort of engagement.

Well - I am in love...

I am in love with morningstar 'sausage patties'. 2am snack? Circular soy!

Safe and sound, downtown baby brown. i am devolving from lack of response!!

I know I have threatened this before but I am sooo tired of the one way dia-blog. If I don't start getting some commentary I'm gonna quit the blog on my birthday and call it a day.

smooches

nearing the end

so much things to say...

this past weekend i went to the social venture network's 'gathering of women entrepreneurs' and got flipped over excited about what is possible for ruckus. i've been moving in this direction - how do we secure the longer term support we need for the work we do. it's really hard to even consider being financially stable when i have spent so much of my time crafting my post-capitalist analysis. but maybe i've mentioned it on here, that i am less inclined towards either/or analyses...where one super system has to end for another to come to pass. i actually haven't seen that function occur, not in cuba, not in france, not in south africa - some version of what exists is all that can move forward. the work we do requires travel, gear, supplies, food, healthcare...i have to plan for that.

i met all these women who have started and run socially responsible businesses. really inspirational, grounded powerful women. i learned a ton, and i sang for them, and got invited to come in an official capacity as a singer to the next gathering! so there, my dream to sing 'for real' in cali is coming to pass. plus, the singular joshuagabriel is now in the bay and wants to make music with me. its time for a cd, to admit i just love singing more than roughly anything and it's when i feel closest to non-existence, in a wonderful way.

i drove to and from the conference - asilomar - just finding more and more aspects of california to love. and me being me, at the conference of women, i of course met a gorgeous man, our masseuse, who felt like a friend i'd known for a long time. i think that is perhaps more common in cali. the other night i met this woman on the train who liked my hair and turned out to be an intern for SOUL, a training program i have a lot of respect for.

on the way home with the rented car i decided to really get my move on, so i went to bedbathandbeyond which is really kind of phenomenal, replaced my electric toothbrush and finally feel orally clean again! got an actual pillow (i've been surviving on a decorative pillow in a regular pillowcase), and this laundry bag that's like a bookbag cause it appears i might have to actually start doing my own laundry again after years of dropping it off. also got tons of trader joe's supplies and can now eat food in my own house!

and now, advice in a vacuum:

Blocks and working around them, that's what life's about. Its hard to advise on next steps but I have a practice which has worked for me - free writing or having someone repeat a question to me. The question to write about or answer is: why am I here? What you do in life should always answer that question. Don't waste your time, even if you can only get a partial answer. Work from there. Its not a public endeavor - only you really need to know, each person has those private answers to live up to.

wednesday i head to ny SISTER TIME!! - the weekend after that i think l.a., and then? JAPAN!!

the best post ever!

i don't know if i should even say that title, is it audacious of me to think that this deeply in i might bust something out that makes your heads spin, my intimate little audience? i am just going to try to do something great.

let's see...where can we go that we haven't gone?

hmmm...

ok

i am ready to give up my cool, that's part of this amazing post. i am ready to admit that:

i don't know exactly what a members only jacket is!!!

in my life sometimes i have stumbled into cool - totally an accident, someone taking a liking to me or me picking the right pair of shoes or something and suddenly: cool.

a couple years ago, i picked this fresh little deep brown jacket off a thrift shop rack in albuquerque and it was so - unique and adorable. and  brown, which i love, der. and it fit just right.

then the first time i wore it, someone said, 'Sweet! Members Only!' i paused, wondering why someone would yell at me, especially a phrase antithetical to my life ideology. but everyone was saying it. i eventually chalked it up to the large windows of the 80s when i was in germany. a lot of things are chalked up to the 80s for me - when everyone knows the words to a song and i just know the tune? 80s. when everyone laughs about a reference to 'Alf'? 80s.

i mostly forgot this "members only" mystery, then last night i was at jessamyn's birthday party and her rommmate/wifey was wearing a black non-"members only" jacket and j's bro walked in with what appeared to be, yes it was - a black Members Only jacket. wifey praised it, and i remembered - what the fuck is this Members Only jacket thing??

so this morning i am wearing my Members Only jacket, and i am looking it up on wikipedia! here goes...

wait for it...

hmm.

NO WAY. it really IS an 80s thing! check it:

"Members Only is a brand of clothing that became popular in the 1980s for the "Members Only Jacket". While they made other clothing, they were mostly known for their brand of jackets. They came in many colors, including grey, black, white, and burgundy. Their tagline, "when you put it on something happens", also gained fame.

Today, the jacket is widely used as a static reference for outdated apparel, as is shown in various television shows and other media. The jacket is often fodder for sitcom jokes."

woulnd't you know.

well there you go. my accidental cool moment is ACTUALLY fodder.

i am multi-tasking, and the other tasks are reading a grant proposal that is in excellent shape, getting directions for my weekend, and having a remarkably deep im conversation with a woman who is breaking through to a deeper level. it's what can be called a mirror conversation, let me introduce this concept to you since i either came up with it or everyone else knows about it from the 80s...when someone is having a moment of such total emotional clarity that their words become a mirror in which everyone can see a truth for themselves.

the usual is more like a muddle - where folks wish wish they could see any truth, anywhere - but instead we get lonely cause nothing seems to apply, nothing comes close enough to our particular story.

on that note: last night i had an excellent talk with my dear dear friend daniel, and it reminded me that with dear dear friends all the conversation is never enough, there's always whole other sheaths of material to present and deconstruct. icebergs, mountains, some sort of glorious visual that goes forever underneath it all and connects to everything - that's what its like looking at a loved one. with all the little emotional cubbyholes where we sit hiding and shivering a bit like 'i'm hiding, find me, stay away! come here already!!'

i am finding dear friends all over waiting for the long dark conversations, i am feeling so much more willing to be vulnerable - not the way i am here, but really in there.

now. i am off to listen to the ramones, another thing i am salvaging from the 80s! now i will admit that i suspect they are actually from that other period i have a hard time admitting i don't know ALL about called Pre-Birth, but i am just going to associate them with my comfy blind spot. although i am amazed daily at how much of the crap that happened before i was even born that i am expected to know, chronologically, and with an analysis and all of that.

ok, that's all for today, i think the members only experience is a perfect example of something that's really just a short jacket. i'm here with my little truth waiting for a whole blooming jungle to come all around me and admit it's beautiful. have a nice day!

oh, an example of good friendship:

(10:12:43) adrienne maree: i wrote u at gmail!
(10:12:59) Sofia: kewl
(10:13:35) adrienne maree: ick
(10:13:43) Sofia: what
(10:14:03) adrienne maree: that spelling is starting to gross me out
(10:14:14) Sofia: COOL

the holy land

yesterday i had a quick lunch with one of my freshman college roommates. because of a disagreement with my father on who my neighbors should be, i ended up on the all-girl's floor my first year in ny. the bulk of other women on that floor were jewish. i, having grown up in germany with some time in georgia, had - to my knowledge - no prior experience with jewish people whatsoever. then i met s - my first orthodox jewish friend. suddenly i was wondering why god would want jews to walk without an umbrella when it rained on shabbos, trying to wrap my brain around the idea of becoming untouchable when you were on your moon. and what did i have to share? i taught her to dance from the hip,  that you could never overanalyze any situation involving a crush. there've been years we didn't speak, years in which s became a wife and mother of two, an actuary instead of her sophomore dream of a florist. we sat down at the only place she can eat in oakland, a spot called 'the holy land'. we made it maybe 10 minutes before she brought up the situation in the middle east, and got my honest answer. she handled it well - but it was one of those moments where you have to hold tight to all the things you love and respect as the real world blows up around you. didn't i say i hate politics? it's so personal.

i tried to share stargate with jessamyn the other night but you really can't start on a random episode in season 8. it made me consider that sharing sci fi is hard, so much goes into my love of it.

after a few nights of conversations with amazing women, i was going to ponder here if we were just in an age of silly men who can't fully show up. but then today several men have done amazing things for me and women i love. so hurray men, those of you who do show up are dope as hell! somedays you know, i have my own gendertypes.

now, back to wishing that some very cool remarkably wealthy human or alien would walk through the door of my office and offer to become our patron so we could just focus on program for a few  years!

muzak

my most beloved stalker, tanjila islam (not the scary one), is in san francisco - cover your windows and cling to your walls! she's coming to pick me up from work and then who knows what will happen. she's about to move to afghanistan, and whenever we hang out she tells me scandalous tales of dubai and/or nepal.

today has been a fairly good day, after a super lightheaded day yesterday. i had my first moment of real work challenge today, it was interesting. i'm sure the first of many. c'est la work.

last night i got to spend hours in good conversation, some of it on the topic of the future 5000, the next level of the future 500 project that dropped a few years ago. future 5000 is an online database of youth organizing that will allow folks to see who is doing what and why and how and where and with how many people and what the demographics look like and the press needs, fundraising needs, all of it. the potential for local, regional and national alliances with all of this information at our fingertips -  everyone would have some space in this realm. from the perspective of movement building, it's so desperately needed it's not even funny. so getting to spend time with it's director Jessamyn as this project grows is exciting - she so clearly understands what needs to be done and how to do it.

i am biased, i want to have a direct action sub-network living in it, like i want to have a direct action circle in ibrahim's bloc network when it launches. i love the idea of us all finally using the web to our benefit beyond the reach of rupert murdoch, on our own terms. so it was an inspiring night, an exciting night. it's also been nice to get to know jessamyn, an excellent person really.

i have met some excellent people recently - last week kicked it with tshaka barrows, who works with ophelia at cjny and they are both laid way back in the cut of good.

one of the people i met at the party this weekend is sf-based and wants to kick it. why yes.

i'm also scheduled to see some much loved folks soon in New Orleans, Detroit, L.A., Canada, NY, Arizona, Japan. Plus my mom is coming to see me. Next weekend I'll head to NY for sisters and early birthday celebrations, and we'll have a sister Thanksgiving in DC. Then the family is going to do Christmas in California. Dunno why I'm telling you all that - it's just really exciting to me, all this family time.  Family family, friend family...

But first, Asilomar this weekend for a Gathering of Women Entrepreuners. I get to sing there!

Until you hear me, here's some music to find and listen to:

texas - group that did an import album with wu-tang clan years ago. i love the songs 'say what you want' and 'polo mint city'
www.jdaveybaby.com - just go and listen to all that they have on the site. looks and feels good. thanks ibs.
and annie sampson - heard her cover of 'its all over now, baby blue' in a bar, found it cool.

this is my first night to be the last person in the office. its pretty exciting. i love working alone in a space, turning my music up and getting on a creative train of thought.

everytime i spell love i mispell it 'lvoe' and have to correct it. i wonder if that means anything in particular. perhaps after its all said and done it will turn out i simply didn't have the instinct to spell out my needs :)

tempations abound

all these little memories of recent encounters keep coming up that i absolutely want to share with you but alas, alack - i am pretty sure my mother is reading this! momma can you hear me? momma can you see me? but really, you don't need to know. you can live without it, y'all haven't been inactive i'm sure!

i had drinks last night with a lovely woman who told me a story of how she sat up one night from a deep sleep completely in love. woke up in love. we were sitting at a darling spot called cafe van kleef, which i fell in love with and am going to try to get a singing gig at occasionally, that's the final piece of the full california life i aim to have. its nice to sit around with talking poets and relanguage the crossing of lines, the falling in and out of states of obsession and need. i also enjoy the way it comes over you, an emotional shift. are you in love or just open to it. what do you need to happen next?

also spent serious good time with a dear friend this weekend talking deeply about anxiety and doubt and knowing yourself well enough to not need as much from others as they fear you do. so interesting. i am fully in the zone of having outlined my arena of desires, needs, issues, etc - and if its not in that box, i can't really be bothered by it. makes for much more interesting and clear conversations.

speaking of, i promised i would relay some of the conversations my main night time bus driver has had with front seat passengers. one in particular stands out so sharply. i can't really comment on it in any way, it was just an insane, painful, funny, crazy thing to overhear.:

driver: i saw m--- the other night
passenger: for real?
d: sho did. she ain't 'changed cept for the skinny
p: yeah, no meat on them bones, dunno how she gets work anymo'
d: well, when she gets it, i give 'em the look
p: i bet you do
d: how you gonna follow a whore on a bus for business?
p: (laughter)
d: (laughter) damn shame
p: (laughter)
d: sometimes i tell em tho
p: no sir
d: yes sir! a man's got a right!
p: well they made they choice
d: naw, they ain't make THAT choice
p: does it hurt her business?
d: oh she gets mad, you know - 'how you gonna tell on me!'
p: how do you do it
d: i just say, m--- you gettin another one sick?
p: holy shit!
d: (hard laughter) yeah, the dude gives pause for sure at that
p: (laughing too hard to talk)
d: and some of them ask, sick what?
p (yelling): de aids mu-fucka de aids!
d: (laughing) no i don' even say!
p: no need, hum
d: at that point, you dumb enough to keep goin, you get what you get!
p: for real tho!
d: (laughing) m---'s a sexy little one tho. really a damn shame. and sweet as all hell, a good girl, one of the best.
p: she sho is sexy. shit - i almost went with her one time!
d: no you didn't! not on this bus!
p: true. you take care of me - always get home.
d: you take care of you! it's yo stop! (laughin) see you t'morrow.
p: yeah if you see m---
d: yup, i'll blow up the spot again!
both laugh as they part ways.
--

do y'all pay attention to this net neutrality stuff? it's coming sooner that you think.

--

and that's it for today :)