adrienne maree, the luscious satyagraha

lauryn hill's surprise show pics

the songlist that i was able to take the time to right down included:

Final hour
Just like water
To Zion
Right to fight
How many mics
Ooh la la la (with sitar)
Ready or not (rock style)
Doo wop that thing (rock)
then as my boy karl pulled her off the stage she did an a capella thing that was divine and kind of what we all needed. we only left in fact cause we knew people waiting outside for the second show, starting 2 hrs late or something. divas - thank god for divas.

so details: there was a big and tightly packed band, lauryn looked like the boondocks huey, aged and cast in perfect feminine shadow. she obsessively patted her face with towels which she threw into the crowd at the end of the show. we were smart and went to where we could sit and have a nice view of the whole thing - i'm not a stand down front get crushed kinda girl... :) check out my pictures!

slight bitterness:
- lauryn apparently picked two girls out of the guest list line to sing back up with her. HELLO. ok??
- i missed the last bart home and got my first introduction to why public transportation in the bay kinda sucks. visions of a wackness only comparable to d.c. there's just no no no excuse to why there isn't an hourly train running across the bay. its dumb, and it doesn't matter how many times someone tells me to think of it like a town, its not a town! this a city and it should act right and let the bart run at night and do maintenance around that like every other major city with an underground transportation system!

ok on to other topics.

i grew up in deutschland for 9 years of my childhood and today they eeked a victory over argentina. i went into the game torn, wanting a brazil-argentina final, knowing that argentina isn't so different from any of the euro teams, having gotten my young ass kicked by little german 6th graders and long ago recognized their soccer superiority vis a vis me...but as the game went on i was falling for argentine, for all that lovely footwork and then that dastardly yellow card. here's the rub - i am fairly certain that a german player did heil hitler during the game? did anyone else see that?

that ain't right!

this weekend i am off for a hot tub in tiburon with jenn and shane in town, something like a triple blessing :)

divas and sheroes

I am sitting here with the charming josie wulsin waiting (2.5 hrs now) for lauryn hill. The crowd is angsty and I am part of that crowd, tho I am glad I am not standing outside for the second show that is supposed to start in 20 minutes, as this first show has not yet started! A little birdy said lauryn was super duper diva'd out. Part of me said...not my lauryn. Another part said...good for her! She said she was deranged y'all what you expect! I wrote this last night: The north, the north. Tonight I dined with elaine, one of the great leaders of the world. She is the one who got me to love canada, who has me focused on the impacts of oil. Its no longer abstract, or just a rising cost. Or a burning field. Its everything, I see the impact everywhere I look...I see the moment of peak. I see the need, right now for work and collaboration broader in scope than we had ever before imagined...even imagined a need for in my lifetime. Growing up, you are really unfolding the circumstances of your life to reach a deep core, a powerful core for your life, an answer to why. Not the big why, all of it, just the why of you. What is the addition you bring? I am steps closer but still miles and years away. Seeing the images of that perfect landscape, seeing the documented changes over just a few years - the time to be a player in the game is upon us, the hunt is afoot, its now. ... Please keep in mind I was with a true sheroe and had watched syriana and seen her photos of northern lights that looked like a chief and glaciers in the distance. The line between dire and hopeful sleep is pure process. Now lauryn's band is playing. Her back up singers look as lost as we in the crowd do. Where is our moody dalai lama of the mic? Her unplugged album gave me an outlet this year, so I won't get mad. I was sure she'd be out before I finished but no - is she in town at all? SHE'S HERE!!! OH MY GOD she looks so much cooler and more beautiful than I thought possible!!!!!!!!! Geek. The. Fuck. Out.

thank you

wow - more of you gave than i expected! and more of you should give. this raising of money is fun!

ok. in other news - this morning the host of my yert home caught someone walking out of the backyard with a bike. they got stopped, but this is encouraging me to move out of the yert sooner than later.

im about to watch syriana. everyone says its depressing. its three men i adore on the cover. yes. adore!

y'all i know i am supposed to be reflective but i am actually feeling all at peace and in power and just working hard and not a lot to say in terms of navel gazing, or excuses. or complaining. or telling stories even. hmmmm. why don't you all tell me some stories? post something, anything interesting that has happened in your world. post as if you are writing for a new yorker far from home who wants to hear about brooklyn, or someone in a new job who wants to hear funny work things. and such. and such. tell tell tell!

erectile dysfunction

this morning's game with ghana and brazil was a bit like watching large scale multi-member erectile dysfunction. it hurt. it was like, i know its not my fault but are you trying to hurt me? are you teasing? why do you keep coming right up to the edge and then FLOP, NADA, NOTHING, WHY WHY WHY??!!!??!

brazil's sloppy grace and arrogant post-game shirtlessness really drove home the point that they are not in solidarity with the global south. scoring in the first 4 minutes shows no respect for your opponent.

in other news - i went up the mountain and went deep inside myself and came back raring to lead. and raise money! i never thought that would be such a fun challenge, securing resources - but then again i love the programs and have total and absolute faith in the staff. raising money for ruckus is like cheering for..a winning team! and i want everyone i meet on that team.

speaking of - if all the people who read my blog became monthly members of ruckus it would make sure that we could offer scholarships to ALL the impacted youth who have applied to learn non-violent direct action at our camp! www.ruckus.org - go to SUPPORT US! i've never asked you for anything!

in other news - there is no other news. there's soccer and fundraising.

chale come go!!

ghana, beautiful beautiful ghana, may the sun never set on your victory! soccer is a game for the world, the u.s. didn't even feel right in the game today, only with a more international respect in our policies and practices can we enter the world cup without the entire world watching to see our elimination.

i am up here in the mountains of colorado with no phone access, realizing that i am celibately working too hard because i haven't dealt with some matters of the heart - so obvious but i hadn't seen it! chale, al green said it best, how can you mend a broken heart, particularly if you won't acknowledge having one! so then the work begins...

rockwood starts again

i'm in colorado for the second week of in-person leadership development in this year-long program and it already promises to be more deep and moving than the first.

the amount of things in my life that have changed significantly since march, since last december - its too much to think about really. the need to check in, pace myself, be a better friend and sister and daughter, these things are always in my mind but its such a gift to be forced in a way, forced by a long-ago yes, into the work that is harder for me - acknowledging weaknesses, things i can't do, things i have a hard time with.

the nature of the work is there is always more to do than anyone can do, no matter how competent and well-meaning we are. and that along there you have to find the support, let people have your back. life is the stories, aka process...the same stories get amped up or muted and told over and over again. it is particularly hard to do work where the people you most love and do the work for are those most likely to push back against you.

my current swirl of self-awareness is that i am no saint, that everything is not benevolent in my thinking no matter how hard i want it to be, that i am still wracked by defensiveness and worry and self-interest. and that all i can do is continue to work for it, continue to indulge in my moments of hateration or greed and overanalysis and desire and be cool with it, forgive myself, think of ways to rise just a little tiny bit higher each time.

this is the line of thinking that occurs when you drive up a mountain in colorado :)

for one second send me a little love and the wish that i go openly into hard internal work. love yall - amb

al gore is a hottie

Well...in terms of his stance on environment. Good little analysis for a vice president non-president graying guy. He's on charlie rose, I haven't seen his movie yet, but if he's saying these things...it all may be worse than any of us think cause this is still in the realm of centrist, slight liberal, reality. Someone at his level putting forth a radical interconnected political analysis of why our nation is leading the movement against our extended survival on this planet? Gives you just a moment of being present in hearing the truth. Katrina as '"A period of consequences"' indeed. Pg. Actions speak louder than words, we say. But some people's words are their best possible action. Pg. Sir sri - not lonely, I don't think, could be wrong! I haven't had enough time alone to get past cherishing aloneness to being lonely. But I would say pensive, for sure. A pensive tipsy. Ah, c'est moi. Pg. Another factor may be watching the hardship of trying so hard. To flirt is no real effort, but to take any step towards intimacy...when I am so in love with my current days...ay. Pg. Heard from germany today, officially 10 years since we last saw each other, he is recovering from a concussion! Pg. Today we had an exciting strategy session about phase ii of our not your soldier work. So exciting and timely and serious. Keep an eye out. Pg. Have had several exciting conversations about ruckus' future and how far we could go, how thrilling the rebirthing process could be, how competent the team is...puts a smile on my face! I am so hoping you will all join the ruckus list and be part of what all's coming!

am I just drunk

Or... Isn't clean energy and pro-environment the smarter long term investment? Its the next dot com thing, survival... Pg. Isn't it sometimes fun to flirt all night and then say no? Truth.com: Being wanted is perhaps the only thing better then being had. Pg. Isn't it funny to have a nice warm afternoon conversation with someone and then watch them have the same conversation with 8 other people and the only topic is him? Pg. Are ny men more likely than any other place to be single issue organizers of their own fabulousness and fantasies? And so fine - I saw a shirtless bruce leroy lookalike tonight and thank you, thank you it was nice! Pg. Isn't it better to spend an afternoon doing nothing with a soft bed after all the beverage (insert accent anywhere, I know I am) than any planned day? Pg. The u.s. are still in the world cup even though italy scored their goal! Get out! Pg. And then I had started another blog called 'things I learned for love'...I thought of this today when someone asked me why I was so into the world cup. I started watching soccer cause I fell for a soccer fan. Someone sitting with me said that's how she learned underground hip-hop. Then the boy next to me said he knew a friend who learned all about birds. Int'l politics, saul alinsky, star wars, tolkien, wine, juvenile justice, plant care, photography, art, the ny times, the new yorker, harpers, beat production, film critique, eyebrow tweezing, vote by mail, acting without ego, listening without response, loving without time and how to love myself. etc. Would anyone ever know anything beyond abc123 without the heart? Pg. Anatomy. Chocolate is better dark. Jazz. Astronomy. Pg. Have you heard ray's blues before sunrise. So good to sleep to..

creepin' in ny

ok so i am back in ny, again, yes. YES. i love it here!

am learning all about ruckus TV...yes we will have ruckus tv! its all such cutting edge technology that the main thing out of my mouth is 'wow, thats cool'. one of the key things i'm trying to identify is various youth communities on the frontline of climate change - climate refugees whose natural landscape has shifted so drastically that they cannot maintain their ways of life - in the arctic north, on the gulf coast, in the dry center of india. help me if you know such communities!

so i came back from take back america, but the meeting i was supposed to have that night fell through so john and i headed to the baths and let me tell you. there's this one older guy who works there, handsome, russian, friendly - he's going to school. we always talk when i come but i never got worked by him before and i stopped getting massages there cause some of the masseuses are too um...too happy to be massaging, you know? but last night he was like just let me and i was like ok, and wow - 18 years of experience DOES mean something in the end. afterwards he said that was only my first try! i am going to call him Rush, because in the western tradition all good things deserve a name.

between fundraising meetings and the baths i have been catching the exciting parts of the world cup, which to me is better than the olympics because everyone is playing the same game so there's a focus to it, and because the coverage isn't all u.s.-centered. and of course i can't help but cheer for the global south in any representation: angola! ivory coast! argentina! brazil! etc!

now i have crept into ny and am sort of slinking about as a visitor trying to lay low. if you see me walkin down the street? it wasn't me - my sole purpose in town is to sleep as much as possible! happy 30th birthday to felice belle and sending much love to the southeast social forum crew - manju et al!

if you're in atlanta tonight go see the not your soldier tour featuring the coup! i am running late to somewhere to meet with someone important - hush, don't tell!

zzzzzzz

take back america: black and proud

so i just finished this take back america conference and i try to rarely if ever speak at length about a conference, because i know a whole ton of work goes into them and that generally the folks pulling them together are motivated by a good spark. and y'all ain't here. so...

however!

this conference has me arching my brow. everybody who considers themselves anybody in the movers and shakers realm, or wants to be anybody at this moment and could afford it or sneak in, was here. there's a deep contingent of young hip-hop organizers here - the somebodies everybody wants to be or have in their base - thanks to progressive majority and the tides foundation.

what i have seen is a lot of floral bouquet smelling introductions and then short pitches disguised as speeches. people pitch their programs, their work, their personalities. there are a lot of ideas with no tactics, and tactics with no big picture, and big picture tactical people with no organization. there is a lot of frustration and false hope being tossed around as people circle in around the most famous or wealthy person in any given room and make nice. folks say they are anti-war and everywhere i see the 2500 sign, for 2500 american soldiers killed. still, the first speaker of the second day of the conference was hillary clinton, a pro-war senator. folks say to give hillary a chance, but we can't support a pro-war, pro-patriot act candidate. where we need a bold difference she offers us a timid half-step.

the most exciting people here are the young and innovative, its always good when they come together. i would say we, but me and my generation are already lovingly dusty compared to the real energy of the moment - 20-centered. i feel less young than ever. in a good way! its nice to see folks stepping up, some i've watched come up and some new. i wish there was a whole separate track for them to just plan plan plan with each other, rather than sitting and listening to panels of people who mostly theorize about the things these young people do.

as far as i can tell from the speeches, the way to take back america is to rail politely, unclear on what your line in the sand is, and end with 'let's take it back!' there are glowing exceptions, clear strategies - the rockwood crew is in the house so i get to see folks i am doing leadership development with all in their element.

still, you start to feel that old conference frustration, might your time have been better spent doing anything but conferencing?

then! then, you have a day of meeting with people excited about what you do, who totally understand what you are doing and why and how.

and then barack obama speaks and gives you that tiny pretty precious bit of hope. i imagine its like finding crack in the couch before bobby kristina does. he is so poetic and clear and broad and direct and you get chills and puts a tear in your eye, that master of message. resist if you just hate hope, you know? then again, you can't resist with mervyn at the table, instead you get a mervyn wink as the table collectively silences itself (after speaking over every other speaker at the conference) and lean in and inhale that hope scent. though his initials are unfortunate, b.o. says things that have started to seem impossible to you, placing our current struggle in the context of 105 year old woman's life, a fan of his, who has seen so much change over three centuries in America. obama  reminds you that through slavery and Jim Crow and world wars and nuclear bombs and depression and all that, people kept the faith in the idea. you can't call a conference "take back the unrealized idea of america". it's implied, i suppose.

now, we are not idealists, we are hopeful cynics, so the high doesn't last too terribly long. a black man (or woman) with a better capacity to communicate the dream of america than any president? its nothin new, as my boy k-mos says.

i'm sleepy now, too many ays with too little sleep. i got two talks today, three actually, on health and sleep. circles under my eyes, just ain't cute :)  night!

all over

in the last week i have been in california, canada, ny and now dc. a bit much eh? i got to attend my platonic ex-husband's wedding, a beautiful thing, even with the dear drunken best man peeing off the roof and screaming that the groom was a dragonslayer (the grannies in the house appreciated that). now i am in dc with a bunch of politicians and politickers and those who hold politician's feet to the fire at the Take Back America conference. the most exciting thing to me is that we found out that the Not Your Soldier flash won the Jury Prize on Huffingtonpost.com - YAY!! so we're showing it to folks and trying to build an integrated campaign to Separate Oil and State and keep America's oil dependence from leading us to war, to illness, to violence, to destroying what little sacred space we have left.
We're also signing people up for the two big Ruckus camps this summer - Freedom From Oil and Not Your Soldier (www.ruckus.org) so folks learn the skills to bring serious tactics into the game.
Folks are responding amazingly well, and the important shout out is to Anasa Troutman and Malia Lazu for their work with the Racial Justice Campaign to make sure young people of color and young candidates of color are in the house when Democrats are setting their agendas.
So its a nutty schedule, gonna grab some downtime with April tonight. My eye started twitching three days ago and I couldn't figure out why, then got an email that April hurt her eye while running! Connections baby.
Other great news is that the National Hip-Hop Political Convention, with the loving facilitation of Ibrahim Abdul Matin, is set to be a remarkable gathering, so make sure you all take advantage of all the opportunities to opt in to deep community building this summer.
Gotta RUN (of course :)
love yall!

less than a day out of country

Tonight I spoke at the people and the planet conference, on taking the work home, is mother earth black and other topics. I sang wade in the water to open, the most appropriate song I know of for these times. My copanelist was willie nolan, first nations african and white woman from nova scotia and sole person of color on the scc board. Deep woman, an honor to share an eco-justice stage with. (PG) A few hours later at the event to honor the marvelous elizabeth may, 17 year director of sierra club canada and incubator of the sierra youth coalition who is now going to run for green party lead on the path to prime minister, I ended up on a stage with elizabeth singing a tipsy heartfelt amazing grace. A lovely 18 hrs in ottawa! Now off to my platonic ex-husbands wedding in downtown ny!

love and happiness

Ah man...I was going to write this whole long thing about the Ruckus 10th Bday party and how magical it was, but Ibrahim beat me to it: rude_write.blogs.com (or see brooklyn bedouin in my blogs list). I am still floating, I could have danced all night, and so on. All these surprise folk showed up - Sofia all the way from NY, josie, ying-sun, trina, everytime I looked up it was a joyful shock. I spent yesterday running all over the place with sofia and autumn who were both in town for other stuff, but blew it off just long enough to kick it allll day with me! Small pet peeve: when you think you have a new comment on myspace but its actually someone advertising something. You get all excited (especially if ur trained in friendster testimonials) and then its not love. Love and branding. Other small pet peeve: parents who put squeaky shoes on their kid at the airport at 5am. Its really remarkably uncool and the kid is adorable, but nonstop running around and squeaky shoes is just wrong! I am in an airport waiting for a layover to Ottawa and I didn't pack my computer charger for the first time in forever. Doh! But whatever, so far I heart the california experience, and I am in a charmed, blessed moment of life. Have a lovely weekend!

sleeping in california

aw i am here!

here is where i am sleeping:

i went to a bruce springsteen concert last night. he's the boss. he didn't sing thunder road or the river, his new album is all peace covers, seeger songs. it was awesome and i love the boss, he's so handsome and funny and on point. so. there!!

first day in the office - what fun!

come to the ruckus birthday party thursday night if you're in the bay area! www.ruckus.org - after that i head to canada-ny-dc-ny-colorado before i'm back again!

I made it!

I drove across the california state line singing at the top of my lungs, and flew down the mountain like it was a joy ride, gaining me a ticket from an officer who couldn't help smiling when he saw how unphased I was by his words of caution. I was running home! And it was breathtaking mountains, the Donner Pass and Lake Tahoe, after miles of salt flats, glassy desert, the dry ungenerous width of cracked and sparsely gorgeous nevada, then suddenly a forest and so much height, so much sun. Maybe its the context, but california looks like heaven, like the heart of a place, a golden gift. It feels so laid back, and now I am settled in the yert, have dropped my stuff at the room I will be living in at my girl laura's house after this, dropped off the minivan, am falling out of coherence and wired nerves into sleep. So far, and it's all behind me now, all that thought packed in so close in the near past that it seems like the travel of a dream, endless, but over. Good night then...

all that space

drove today from denver to salt lake city through wyoming. in a very serious way, (the same way that i didn't know about kansas being everything you were ever taught about oz) i didn't even know about wyoming, that it looked like that, mountains and then prairies and so much space. the clouds are as interesting and varied as the mountains. i saw some things today i can't put into words, its easy to forget this is a beautiful country. the land itself all looks so holy...blighted sometimes by racist or hateful signs, by the knowledge that behind many of the spread out doors are nice people who actively work against the things i care about. still, these long valleys with shadows and horses make you ache a bit.

the changes are so sudden, you are between cascading green moutains or red rock face, into a deep valley, impossibly colorful after so long on the plains. the plains, where you can watch an entire thunder and lightning storm just off to the side, but feel no rain...where there's nothing but sky and flat land in sight for miles - so desolate that the signs all say 'no service for 34 miles'. when you finally reach service, it's buford wyoming, population 2, elevation 8000. people are so nice, they stare with dropped jaws and i realize that i emit a foreignness into the space. i try to pull in my urban energy, but as if i had wings, i have no ability here to be a pure observer. its pretty in every direction.

as i drive west, farmers in south central l.a. are being pushed off their land to make room for a wal-mart, and ruckus has sent some folks down to support the situation, its hard not to think this is a remarkable time, a convergence of issues and peoples unlike we've seen in recent history. i generally think any time could erupt into a key moment, but then sometimes a summer hits and as the heat rises...oh maybe its just me. lol - its in my self-interest that this be a moment, as i am going to an organization poised to make the most of it, and i know all of these brilliant people who are also poised all over and - hope is my greatest strength and greatest weakness.

the drive today gave me time to miss people, individually, and the place of new york, sort of flip through these last 10 years in new york. the place is a different city, i've watched each community i've lived in change for the trendier, watched the subsequent erasure of what made those neighborhoods golden, realized that someone somewhere watched me to come to each home with that same feeling - change, ugh. and change, inevitable, necessary, here and gone already. and the people, we've moved like water together, all of a body but close and far, stagnant or rushing, changing everything around us to make a way.

this move is clash of knowing its time, feeling that dark and swirling prayer of missing people and wanting deeply for them to be alright, realizing they are too far for me to stop harm coming, that i was never able to anyway, that it was never needed. and anyway, there are things for me to attend to. and i am so excited, i can't wait to see the other shore.

song of the day: you only live once, the strokes. this was on one of the mixtapes dj marty makes for the ruckus camps, which i listened to most of today's ride. tomorrow i think i will try rubber soul and abbey road from the beatles, some jackson browne, arethra, janice joplin, nina simone and then my super hip-hop playlist. it will be a long ride. feel free to call.

right now i have to attend to sleeping, a lot, before my big final drive tomorrow. traffic-willing i will reach oakland by sundown.

dc to denver: done

ok wow, tucked up against the rocky mountains after two days of travel! my sister is flying home today. i can't believe we made it this far - two hours outside denver last night i started seeing things, visual disturbances, huge rhombus-headed long-armed monsters in the car next door, light tracers - it was crazy. luckily april was driving and she was doing fine. i was her entertainment and provider of food. she got me into understanding the dixie chicks as a complex political phenomenon.

when we finally got to Denver, around 11:30 local time, we pulled into the hotel and parked and came to the room and when we opened up the door, strings started playing a crescendo of joyful luxurious noise, for there before us lay two queen sized beds with thick duvet covers and soft sheets turned down and a wide showerhead to blast hot water. all we said to each other for the next twelve hours was: "oh my god, i love this bed. oh my god. snore."

seriously, april is like an angel sent down from the heavens. she made it possible for me to get too far to turn around without too much time to think about what all was behind me. she asked me great questions to keep me thinking forward. i just put her on the airport shuttle and i feel remarkably alone, but thanks to her perserverance, the distance before me isn't too great.

my companion for the rest of the trip is Appdd. That is my plant, it was once my sister Autumn's plant, and I kept it for her for 'a summer'. When i got the plant she was on the brink of a dusty death. I named her Autumn's Plant Please Don't Die. With tender loving water and Miracle Grow plant food, as well as regular conversation and a place in the sun, she has come back with a gorgeous green vengeance - now she is a massive lovely viney plant. I was going to give her back to Autumn but on the night of the move I realized that just wasn't right, and Autumn understood it too. So Appdd is coming up to the front seat with me.

I need to find some Duane Wayne visors for my glasses.

today i drive from denver to salt lake city - mountains and desert. everyone keeps advising me to keep my gas tank no less than half full, drink lots of water, don't stop often. the music from bruce springsteen's badlands keeps flowing through my head. music is a hugely important part of a road trip, so we rearranged the car so i could have my cds right near me and every couple of hours rearrange what's closest. we started out hip-hop but eventually had to come around to the big ballad sing-along type stuff: pat benatar took the cake for the day. Mariah Carey might get the dubious honor of getting played each day of the trip!

on the depth of moving level, i am feeling so excited and on the verge of tears all the time. i am leaving the closest knit little circle of folks, each of whom i am deeply in love with, and who i already miss. so much. but/and i feel totally and completely at peace the way i think you can only feel when you are fully engaged in the steps you are making. i don't feel tossed around by life or stuck in anything, i feel like i used the reasoning and free will god lets me play-have to get myself here.

and from here to where i'm bout to go. i hate to requote, but f-it all, this lyric so suits my mood right now - u2's walk on:

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight...

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home...hard to know what it is if you never had one
Home...I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the heart is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme...

thoughts from the Road, pt 1

A random asssortment in no order: - hearing whitney on this trip, it just strikes me again what a tragedy her great love story is, and what a perfect example she is of why harm reduction (www.harmreduction.org) is so needed. There are so many talented people out there raging against massive pain and feeling only judgement where the road to healing could begin. Its getting sadder every day. Lift a hope for young Whitney. - here in the wide midwest, my main recurring thought is that we should wall off the sides of the highways and create green bridges for animals so they aren't killed trying to get somewhere. Its not right, how we pave it all over, how we make it unclear that they should stay away from here. Our ability to reason is pointless if we're heartless, and these poor little deer and raccoons and squirrels and other unrecognizble messes are each a little unnecessary death. And yes, I still want a hamburger next time we stop so just let me have my peta heart moment ok! - we bought the dixie chicks cd to support free speech. April loves country and I love people who criticize bush's medieval foreign policy. Not ready to back down is great, a nice big standing up tall of a song. - we had our first mariah moment and I nearly lost my voice. - april won't let me smoke in the car. She doesn't think I need to mention this. I think all smokers will understand this predicament! - we're having great talks and missing my parents and baby sister autumn. - in case anyone wants an update, I still haven't heard from my grandmother, who cut me off after I accidentally sent her the not your soldier flash (www.notyoursoldier.org/sns). - last night we rolled into cincinnati where gavin leonard had left a perfect situation: garage, two rooms, clean sheets and towels, hot tub ready to go, fridge stocked with cold beer and we caught the end of lara croft! I love angelina, and I love finding myself in the skins with some beautiful nati women in a hot tub! Got to see dani chale in her hometown, and also my dear ohio woman who is doing well, which is what I always hope for her. Listening to dani and them talk about nati's scene, I love that mix of pride and scorn about a hometown. - now we're bound for denver, where april has a flight and I have hotel till noon tomorrow. Its really hard to sleep knowing everything I have in this world is sitting vulnerable like this. But the welcome that is being sent to me from the west is making it easy to let the miles flow out behind me. The deep freedom I feel on this ride is unlike anything else I've known. I highly recommend throwing then to the wind for some now and could be.

a million thanks

ok i can tell this is going to be the journey of a million thank yous. moving shows you something about the people in your circle, are they the typr who will not offer to help, or offer but not come through, or not offer but be there till 4 am in the morning? nothing wrong with any kind, it just shows you something...

so already, due to the combined blessing of my sister autumn and my near-sister sofia, with the boy-help of rabbi darkside from parkside avenue and shane, my house went from full to empty, and the rental van i am going to drive across country went from empty to so tight that all metaphors i can think of for squeezing anything else into it are nasty.

speaking of nasty, MICE were ALL OVER my place. DEAD ones.

yes.

now. here are some of the utterances from the moving night, in order of how many times they were spoken aloud:

1. do you have the keys?
2. OH MY GOD THERE IS A MOUSE MASSACRE BEHIND THE KITCHEN COUNTER!! OH MY GOD THAT IS SO GROSS!!!! (followed by the physical imitation of hurling)
(note to many who know me: yes, these must be the mice i thought i had gained a peaceful non-cohabiting relationship with by speaking to them. apparently when i thought we were negotiating their retreat and subsequent absence, they were back there dying or dead. it is very upsetting and gross. they also ate my after 8:30 chocolate mint massage bar. which is gross cause of course i keep things like that by the bed.)(this points to how much time i was not in the house, since i heard and smelled none of this.)
3. do you think the plethora of decomposing mice in the house is why i have been so sick every time i have been in here?
4. ok guys i think we're almost done!
5. adrienne, let it go.
6. wait - guys? where is the rent check i finally got my landlady to give me?
(this caused a three hr slow down in packing because then no piece of paper could be thrown away until i found the check in a safe place) but i found it and cashed that biyatch and now my shady landlady has no hold over me!!!

sigh. i am the type to try to hold it down but eventually get a bit apoplectic or - as my dear friends say - speedy cracky. i repeat myself and walk in circles and break out in hives. especially when people have illogical reactions to my things...we distributed my belongings all up and down st. felix and people got mad at us, even though we were dumping it at 3 am and trash was picked up at 7. but you know what? my therapist says i am lovable, and it's all about the love so FUCK those haters :).

so now, thanks to my sister april, who i am dc now picking up, i have a companion all the way to denver. what a blessing! she is a good, bossy, capable companion, perfect for this type of journey. you know my crazy ass does not need to be alone in a car for five days!! we're going to push hard to hit denver in two days, and then on sunday as is appropriate i will rest a bit and have a smaller drive day alone, then the last day bang it towards the sun.

i will need company. on sunday or monday please call me and be my co-driver for a while.

ok i need to go shower before april gets here and realizes i was blogging instead of packing, but i just have to say, I AM ON MY WAY!!! i am sooo excited :)