adrienne maree, the luscious satyagraha

procrasti-Nation Time

hey kiddies guess what time it is?

that's right - procrasti-Nation Time, when your friendly neighborhood revolutionabe takes a break from packing her things to digitally pontificate on the crisis of moving across country and the simultaneous crisis of movement in the country. the parallels abound.

no exit strategy is devastating when entering into any fray, be it an apartment or a sovereign nation. my personal trainer called, and i can't even pick up the phone because if he asks me a question and i have to answer it, pure flames might shoot through the phone, as that is how my stress is manifesting itself, fire in the belly, random continuous hives on the skin. and a house guest saw a tiny little mouse run by the other day. i didn't have the energy to even negotiate with it.

anyway, if you do not plan how you will get out of an apartment, you might find yourself with 24 hours left to find a moving company and every moving truck in the city apparently rented out or over $2000. you might find yourself snapping at your friends and coming up with incredible barriers in order to not deal with separation pain. you might find yourself eating the random assortment of food you have left in the house and wondering if its a little past good. you might find yourself making emotional purchases at target, including every magazine about angelina and brad's new baby. you might find yourself screaming 'i can't do this' at the ceiling bulb. you might find that you packed everything backwards and wrong.

just possibly.

i saw x-men 3 last night, which - as an uninformed fan from a distance i thoroughly enjoyed even though i know the phoenix saga wasn't accurately portrayed - and i realized that if i were the right kind of mutant i could just lift all this crap with me and zap over to california, and perhaps thats what i thought would happen. is it possible that i can plan anything in the world except my move?  methinks the answer is yes. 

too make myself feel better i went and bought myself a going away/congratulations on your new job present: a gorgeous sleek black ipod with a speaker dock and video capabilities. now when it overwhelms me that i have no idea how to get this stuff away from this house, i just put on kim english's unspeakable joy and dance until it shifts into better than ezra's juicy. my personal trainer said to let something other than chocolate be my gift to myself. please don't let shopping be my replacement coping mechanism! it is like a braintide moving against my goal of a simple life.

ah adrienne, elle es triste y chez elle n'est jolie pas!

ok. now back to finding some magical solution to moving!

HELP!!!!!

updated weekly

if i say i feel i have been too actively living to remember to blog often lately, does that cast the last year of my life in a shadow of not having enough going on? cause it didn't feel that way, but now i feel so engaged and alive, so present and moving forward...

still, i need a break from packing, so here goes:

contradictions that never grow old to me:

- i don't give up, even when i probably should, i just file things in a 'later' file in my...heart? still - i am terrified of commitment to the point of paralysis.

- i have deep deep faith but no religion, and rare trust.

- i love to quit smoking, and i love the first cigarette of the morning.

- it is the shameful and striving middle class that produces the highest number of revolutionaries, historically.

- i love leaving ny, and i love coming home.

- i fight for change even as i fight for preservation.

- i have never ever wanted to be famous, and yet i put myself out into the world and know that the more people who know me, the more likely i am to make heard the causes of the people who most inspire me.

- i love the shamelessness of sexual freedom but feel more comfortable when i am physically disciplined and a bit prudish. except...i am also a freak. a prudish freak. virgo with a scorpio moon.

- mass movements are spawned by individual self interest.

- i am a bit of a contradiction, period. counter-recruitment military brat who loves and respects my colonel dad. mixed kid who talks a lot about race while believing deeply that it doesn't literally exist and that people don't get moved by race or racism but by human stories and injustice. a long term strategist who is tied to no particular outcome, but the freedom of the process and experience. a singer who rarely performs, a writer who rarely publishes and never the huge fiction things i write - oh i fear the writings that come most passionately.

- i need help but cannot ask, and when it is given i brush it aside.

and this isn't a contradiction but...i'd rather have a pretty bra than a pretty dress.

my first gray hair has arrived, and i am fairly excited about that. because shit - if these past couple of years haven't earned me a gray hair then what possibly could?

have i ever told you all the story about how i could be the grandchild of james brown? its more likely than...you being the grandchild of james brown. so there. my grandmother was dating him in south carolina around the time she discovered my father was coming. however, my grandmother was a sexy mofo, so...hmm.

i am taking a break from transferring all my cds and dvds to a new cd wallet. the fun part is that i am listening to a lot of cds i have been given and never really listened to. the not fun part is...every other part of it. i have 5 days to make my life in this apartment shrink, disappear, fly away, or relocate.

self-spawned new pet peeve segment of society: people who believe that someone went through the struggle of birth in order for them to chill and gather a large collection of crap.

to that end, does anyone want:
- a crapload of matches i have collected?
- one of my several decks of cards or wine openers?
- one of those rolly carts used for grocery shopping and laundry? bonus: its red!
- my magazine collection, heavy on vanity fairs, new yorkers from before i realized it was just too much to keep up with, and old sources, vibes, blenders, rolling stones and embarrassingly satisfying pop weeklys (us weekly, ok, life and style, people)
- my fine collection of airplane headphones
- my collection of tall dollar candles with images of mary and jesus on them
- my small but fabulous record collection, as i just realized i don't have or intend to get a record player. includes queen, the beatles, elton john, jackson browne and other classics)
- any of my mini book collections: 1. modern politics. 2. african american studies 3. classics 4. cookbooks. i have really good ones and i don't use cookbooks. i just like to um, throw food together.
- to come visit my house and take advantage of my desire to let go of most material things?

sigh.

in other news: i am always falling in love with people who are no longer here. i just fell in love with a comedian who is no longer alive - mitch hedberg. ever heard him? hear of him. go listen.

i've also been listening to a lot of tenacious d, which is how i came to be in the airport line in montreal behind an old couple singing: "you broke the rules, now i pull out all your pubic hairs. mutha fucka, mutha fucka. i'm gonna kick you derriere, from here to right over there." there's no easy way to explain that you just can't get a catchy song out of your head when those are the words!
i have decided that i am not looking for a relationship!! unless i come across an international human rights lawyer who would consider being a stay at home dad and is an amazing masseuse. holla!

i recently learned this communication thing - most people when they talk to you are trying to straight tell you something, or sell you something, or test something they think is brilliant on you, or get you to consult on something they've already decided. very very rarely, they want to co-create something with you, however, most people ACT like they are always trying to co-create things with you, and that leads to like 98% of the confusion and wack interactions people have in the workplace. for the record, i am just telling you this.

what else...i had a lot of thoughts while i was in canada, getting my mind blow by these arctic indigenous folks whose land is melting out from under them and stull perservere with hope - its too much, too deep to even discuss what it was like. so - i had a lot of private thoughts, ok? but this is a good representation of the ones i could share...

in my quest for the truth of my fineness, i am investing in having non-furry eyebrows and wearing v-necks. what do you do to make yourself feel ultra-sassy?

oh! and french - je suis listening a mah cds la francais mais je n'etudier pas les books d'accompaniament. so je ne really learning pas, mais je suis making plus effort. so. vous should applaudez moi! ok?

questions I have been asked this week

- do you know where I can find a kitchen for a television shoot of me cooking? - can you help me find a home for my cat for two months? - can you help me find a place to stay in atlanta for me and two friends starting tomorrow? - I need the best possible position to spring on this dude tonight to make him stay with me! - um, the funder just withdrew 100k from our program, can you make him change his mind? - who is the best person you know to train on: (list of 6 completely different topics)? - why are you coming to canada? - can you blast this email to your whole list (12 different times, 12 different people)? - when are you leaving for california? (Too many to count...does that make the question priceless?) - do you hate everything your family stands for? - what are the biggest challenges to your work? - has anyone ever told you you think like this dude saul alinsky? - how do I deal with always being made a leader, even if i don't want to? - can you cut my hair and not give me a mullet? - can I have your coffee table? (4 times, its taken) - can you send me the curriculum for: (7 different ones) - can you come out to (6 conferences, 19 lunch or dinners) - do you ever say no? - can I call you my luscious pussycat? - do you think he was trying to get revenge? - why do I keep getting mass emails from you when you asked me to stay out of your life? - if you need a vacation so bad, why not just take one? - is ruckus still a white organization with you there? - can you help me convince black folks its ok to get arrested for a cause? - that flash is good, but why the foul language? And is it homophobic? - are you avoiding me? (6 friends...yes, no, maybe, I dunno) - how do you keep track of what you do? - do you know you're beautiful and there is nothing wrong with you? - when you gonna gimme some? - since when are you celibate...do you even know what that means? - can you bring me the stargate dvds? - did you know ---- did {insert totally racist classist thing} last week? - do you believe voting can change communties? - do you think the black bougie class is purposely disempowering the hip-hop generation? - can you speak on enviro-racism, and is mother earth black? - can you get a piece on fat activism in this week? - can you blog about (4 things) today? - you are funny, so why isn't your blog funny? - what's that green thing in the middle of your blog? - how many times do you come a week? A day? Why you actin all like a prude? - did you drink to the point of getting hung over? - are you really giving all your stuff away? - do you think this group/person has what it takes to be great (3 different groups/people)? - have you ever blogged about all the questions people ask you?

oh canada...

warning, i am in a thinking mood, this might be a long post...

tomorrow i leave for canada at the booty crack of dawn! i am going to spend a week up there doing organizational development work with the arctic indigenous youth alliance, which is in fact every bit as amazing as the title implies. what i do is take vision and implement simple steps that start to make it reality, thats what makes me tick...there are people living so far up the globe you have to turn it see them on the map, and the land is melting out from under them while major corporations attempt to build oil pipelines through their sacred spaces. these young people are banding together from different super rural locations to try to leverage power for and with their people, so its quite exciting.

i feel like i have been going around the city meditating, listening to lauryn's unplugged. it makes me feel i have to blog a bit on jesus and faith...have i ever talked to you about my feelings on jesus? i was baptized when i was either 11 or 13 (age starts to waver in the past. so does belief).

then, some years later, when i was 18 or 19, i was on a road trip with the family down south and we passed a bad accident in a grassy median where a dead man was laying under a cloth and a very fat woman was grieving wildly near him, police all around. that memory has a blue tint, there was maybe a drizzle, swamp on either side of us. by coincidence aretha franklin was singing something about jesus and i had a moment of insight into the point of jesus. its kind of hard to capture in words but - the willingness to die, to live a life unmired by belongings or even an attachment to life and thus somehow in that life realize the pure purpose of living, to serve and to heal and to love...thats what jesus seemed to me, and i had a deep moment of belief.

i go back and forth on the details, but i very rarely lack faith in the higher calling present in every human being just waiting for a moment to show, and i never doubt the legacy of jesus. i know stories shift with time, but i think the idea that jesus was a flesh and blood child of god is so compelling. that god would try this earth thing out, to gain experience, and even in gaining experience have to set an example of selflessness, of channeling holy gifts, i like that, that appeals to me.

this is all relevant because who is more misunderstood than jesus in the current concept of good and evil? how many people perpetrate low behavior - gossip and greed and oppression and hateration, thinking that they hold the key to holy, quoting jesus on their way? or some other prophet...even if you havent spent a lot of time in the study of jesus, his ideas are great ones, they come through the language of those we look at as visionaries of humanity.

now comes the part where i perhaps am blasphemous - though my general theory is that god is prolly cool with my wanderings and theory so long as i am humble to a higher power, even when i cannot name that power, even when i can't say its this god or that practice - but i think dave chappelle might be a latest iteration of jesus. there. i said it. no matter who i come across from which walk of life, they all can come together to acknowledge the truth that is dave chappelle. and he, you know, tells it like it is. with humor, but he still tells it.

the other aspect of this is my current desire to release roughly everything that i own and go into the next phase of my life as a simpler person. not that i have a lot now, but the idea of having much less, of giving my books away, and many of my clothes and things. keeping only those things that have sentimental value, only those books i have yet to read. i imagine my next home as just a good mattress on the floor, a pile of books to read next to the bed, a lamp with which to read those books, and the basic clothes i need to get through my life. not much else. my sex toys and necklaces and scarves. a way to write. i am looking at everything i have from the eye of need - do i really need more than two plates, a mug? why do i have 4 cutting boards?

the hard part is my pretty things. i have always had every inch of wall space covered with lovely things. but now, perhaps i am ready for some space, to step away from the constant stimulation, this world of instant constant stuff. not perhaps...i am definitely ready.

i think this started with this recent celebate phase. i talked to a friend recently who is also not doin it, and he said that in a big way its about waiting for more, for better. for so long the idea of being desired has trumped the idea of being respected and beloved. but what occurs to me now is that even that step was part of simplification, that the more i was always seeking is really less, getting to a root of who i am such that i can offer that, as a whole thing, to anyone i want, whenever i want - as opposed to offering a wild and unformed thing to whoever asks...

when i listen to these songs of lauryn's what i hear is the call to release the material world and simplify. the material world for me has included the bodies of others...interacting with people these last few months not from a lust for them, but from a gratefulness for their existence and curiousity about the lessons they bring into my life has been so eye-opening.

when i think about the work i am going to do with ruckus, and the work i did with the league, and the many partnerships and projects  and the organizational development work i do, the theme is always to get to the pure root of what works, what we as people need to survive.

and this is not all to make any parallel between me and jesus, but rather between every person and every prophet. there is a call in each person, i think, to go to the root, which is the common thread, and rise up. the material world is a distraction from that call, and i daresay a distraction from evolving. we create things, we evolve things, rather than evolving our own minds and hearts, our ways of holding each other as sacred beings. the "masses" are easier to comprehend than masses of holy beings on a planet that is itself a holy place, not a forever place, but a temporary miracle - and we get to have an impact on the place.

woah. i always think i am either quite deep or quite simple. or maybe both, simultaneously. maybe one is the door to the other. but i am drawn to lauryn's idea of crazy, to dave chappelle's idea of crazy - give your all as a gift, not as an act of ego, and people will definitely question every step. but the steps feel so sure when you are doing what you are called to do. then you can reckon with faith and release.

and on that note - i have 4 hours to sleep before i fly. i am grateful for every lone reader who goes on these little journeys with me...good night!

tv is awesome

As I road on the train with my cd player with ipod earbugs (cause my shuffle came apart such that the part that talks to the computer won't leave the computer....), I read like life and style, and us weekly, and I realized I love this stuff of the modern moment, the television and the music and the magazines and the flash media and the whole thing. Pg. I have my criticisms, I always do, its who I am in fact, according to many people related to me. They love me anyway...or not. Pg. I was going to watch oprahs legends, but then bush was speaking instead. I heard rumors, but greys anatomy was on, and 24, at the same time. He gave a great speech, relatively. I am related to people who respect him on principle. What's your story? Pg. I am coming into a moment where I can see I came through a moment - overwhelmed by ambition I made a to do list, but it was too long to consider and I had to stop. Outside forces combined to unstick me, someone will take my furniture and someone will move into this little apartment, it will somehow be empty by the end of the month. Its all great now, the pressure is going away, the list is getting checked off. The plans are getting made. Pg. A little late, I am finally playing 'mr intentional' by lauren hill over and over. Today I got an email from the heartbreaker. Along with my father and grandmothrer, he was on my email blast. I saw his name in the inbox and you know the flatlining heart sound on grey's anatomy? That noise clinked in, then some urgent voice in my head: "Auto pilot!! Polite bitch auto pilot! Please help!" and auto pilot, like a pro, handled the turbulence! Woo hoo! Pg. I have only 8 days left here. What? Yeah! Today I talked to um tshaka barrows with cjny, he is doing some amazing work with ophelia, the have a west conference coming up, more to come. Pg. I want to see the da vinci code. I want to show you all my new bras which are gorgeous and have me speaking in a higher pitch! 'Oh hello, how are you, can you hear me, I am tossing the sound over the shelf of breast ravished by black (or white) lace and underwire so the sound might arch up and over you!! You-hoo! Check up on em.' Pg. This very thought adds to my list of reasons to stop blogging. Will I stop at nothing to amuse myself? Pg. Oh but it looks pretty! I head to canada on wednesday morning, but first, the daily show. Pg. P.S. Shane Jones is going to miss me. That made my day, cause Shane is a magnificent person.

I spit hot fiyah

Sigh. I've just wanted that as a post title, I swear my breath is minty and I only spit in dreams. As I am posting from the sidekick I will tell you when there's a paragrah by saying... PG Ok? So...pg. This pensive season finds me of two minds at minimum. In one mind I am beside myself with joy at my new job. The Ruckus thing is cool as hell. Did you see our flash yet? Www.notyoursoldier.org/sns - that's the kind of work we're doing. Pg. On the other hand, I need a vacation bigtime! I put my mom and sister on a plane to japan this morning...actually pause - I watched them go thru security, and it made me sad. It is really intrusive and demoralizing, stripping down so. I fly like every other day and I have never seen security find anything. Does anyone have stats on the impact of embarrassing security detail other than slowing one's roll? Pg. So I need a vacation and I had my heart set on a road trip but I can't find any co-drivers and driving the whole way alone seems wasteful and expensive and hard and unromantic. Maybe I should go somewhere. Pg. I wrote a song hook yesterday which is just awesome. Several friends have recently experienced what I call 'the knee jerk I love you' when push came to shove. Parents teach your kids to give and receive love, that's your only freakin job! Pg. So the real point is, songs are coming again, after a long time of nothing inspired. Good songs. At least, good choruses. I am so overdue for a season of song, but I think the synergy I am seeing everywhere is moving right into the part of me that processes life into song, the great observer. Being depressed and overly pensive is just a waste of time, too easy, not what we are here for. Not that I know exactly what we are here for, but outrageous adventures of love, thought and action seems as likely as anything else, and far more tempting than 50 years of sulking, pointing fingers and feeling like the path you are on is the wrong one. Coming face to face recently with the disappointments of a few older people I love, the only gift seems to be laughter. I don't mind madness, or disappointment, if there's laughter. If you try and you fail, laugh as you learn and try again. Pg. What I mean is, my father and I might really be friends, and until then we will try, and love really hard, and laugh. Same with my grandparents, and my uncle. Pg. The wise people in my life defer to time. Time brings you an amazing job, or the type of heartbreak that fundamentally changes what you want out of life, or another year, or a glimpse of heaven. Perhaps peace is the acceptance of time, the release of attachment to owning and controlling time. I am flowing, it only overwhelms me when I think about it. Pg. Speaking of time, I am running late to a meeting. Maybe today I'll make it home. I've got a smile on my face either way.

sweet anjali, sweet april

this post is not about you anjali, but since you are such a dedicated poster i felt like you'd earned it ;) finally some dialogue!

my sister april is the best host in the world, and is now living in a townhouse with some wonderful kids (woah! am i sooo old? how did i say that?)

yeah the immigration thing i am thinking about a lot, would there be such a black/brown divide on this if we had a guaranteed living wage and universal healthcare in the u.s.? then we could focus on fighting to make sure everyone had access to that opportunity, then we would be asking a better question...but we have to do the work of tracing the blame back to the top and then looking for cause and effect.

why are people coming to this country - freedom, peace, economic opportunity...and why aren't they able to find this freedom and opportunity at home? how often is it because of unethical and unfair trade with the west, how often is it because the agricultural or resource-based income options are gone...because they have been sapped by someone like US or because the natural environment has made it impossible to keep up. i am going to do a strategy session with these brilliant young people who focus their work across the arctic north, where global warming is showing a real outcome. shit is actually melting and the environment is rapidly changing. there's some folks trying to go across the north pole right now - last year they made it 18 days, this year they are about 6 days in.

is it too big a leap to think about the environmental impacts that cause immigration, as well as the economic ones. not to mention - 'my country is a war zone.' which, unfortunately, can often find a root in us soil as well. not conspiracies, just theories.

and then the higher grade gas - my question is can anyone buy that now? i want to see the clear case for clean fueling options being cheaper than gas now.

and taz - i am sorry about the stupid fucking floating ad and am looking for other options cause this shit is wack. maybe i will experiment with putting lots of space on there. also when i post from my sidekick it looks like there's no spaces in the post. special. 

you know i came on here to blog a bit about my ongoing battle with blogging. on one hand, i love it. on the other hand, i sometimes go through periods where its boring as hell - i am literally running around to meetings.

but to be real...those meetings excite me - today i talked with the dude working on a separation of oil and state campaign that is really brilliant and exciting, and this woman doing web organizing for s.e.i.u. which was inspiring, and then met with this beautiful and brilliant funder who deepened my faith that there are these really smart people who grasp the need for long-term well-managed youth-specific strategies that are led by the effected communities, who get the need for leadership development and that outside the box thinking - and many of them are at foundations and want to be pulled in. i even got to have a malia lazu experience, heightened exponentially by anasa troutman and rev sekou and alexis mcgill. and for a closer, sarita gupta, who reminded me why jobs with justice is quite possibly the future of the labor movement.

jwj has this dope thing where folks commit to helping on 5 campaigns other than theirs as volunteers - imagine where we would all be if every organization had their members take this pledge?

in terms of buying a house - i am torn. i just read a dope harper's article on the real estate market and coming crash. but i also really get on a logical level how dumb it is to pay rent instead of paying towards owning something. i want orgs i work with to own their buildings - i want donors to start giving people buildings as offices that they can deck out. thats an investment in longevity.

anyway, i have a piece to write for clamor that i am super excited about, not to mention sleep to get. its hard to sleep because this new job has my brain buzzing, looking for all of the cross sections of direct action and strategic youth organizing is exciting. i took benadryl though, so its a race to the clock to think and write before sleep comes. my mom comes through here tomorrow on her way to japan, so everyone, all at once, say: hi jane!

ooh wanna see some pics of my family and our weekend together for april's graduation (she mah massuh now!)

at least its better than watching the cavaliers and the spurs back to back spankings. i am definitely getting into this basketball thing.

ok, here's some pics! love y'all - amb

autumns new shoes:

how we feel about april graduating:

my adorable new shoes, and then april's and autumn's...shoes say a lot about a woman, eh?:

the graduate, already making moves:

and with her cutie-friend:

my cousin's prom date and ride. yeah the goof runs in the blood:

my grandfather and grandmother (she is literally pouring food on me in this shot)!

the graduate with our strapping boy cousins:

my uncle and cousin, michael and michaela

and michael's youngest BABY with my baby sister

the graduate with my uncles and aunt and dad:

and then i found some photos and a family tree for the black side of my family - the search continues:

shalom in the home

Thoughts inspired by talks with my family: Is this the end of emergencies - no one pays insurance out on er visits. My aunt says she can't take her kid to the e.r. anymore. Gas prices...the end of upgrading. Have you ever used 89 or anything higher in your car? Why?? Re: Iraq...why create wars to tear things down just to build them up? Creating conflict, then creating commerce. Nothing can be real. My very own thoughts: Only ticketed passengers can indulge a disgusting mcd's craving in the d.c. airport. Not that I wanted to, just saying! Whenever it rains I walk around with nina simone's 'I think its gonna rain today' in my head...does that happen to you? Favorite show: shalom in the home! On TLC! Go traveling yarmulke-coated compassion and family coaching! Where am I? Er...d.c. For how long? Er...we'll see!

s to d

This morning folks traveled from all over the country dor my uncle wimp's breakfast! He makes these amazing little round perfectly sliced potatoes and grits that are half butter. Deep south. Then spent the day makin' jokes and talkin politics with my dad's family, and I found a family tree that traces back three generations of Browns. Talking about immigration again today, lots raised voices and laughter and we came to a good conclusion on it. Don't punish people, trace the issue to the top. A living wage, sensible foreign policy and taxing corporations that try to slip under the radar with unfair hiring practices. Tomorow I'm off to a climate activism meeting in d.c. Hopefully I'll get to see my sister's new apartment. The plan to get to california is shaping up...my dad is puahing me to buy a home their, invest. It sounds smart, but buy a home with what? I don't know that I trust I can get with no money...then again, rent feels like throwing money away. Everywhere I drive in Columbia there's my Uncle Joe E Brown's face, he's running for reelection as state rep. And they all ask me when am I going to run for office. Never! My new favorite basketball player wears a weird plastic mask on his pretty face...odd. Delightful. Ciao!

visiting down south

I'm grieving the loss of Damu Smith, founder of Black Voices for Peace and the National Black Environmental Justice Network. Holla for a biography, spread and educate folks on his work. I'm with the family, my grandparents and cousins, in North Augusta. So far I've heard several stories of our relatives born in 1896 and 1899, my great grandparents...where they were, what they did...what they saw! I've been takin photos of photos and painted portraits. We attempted talking about immigration until it became clear that there was no common ground for the conversation. My grandmother has gone from being a Bushlover to a Bushhater in the past three years, thank goodness. The danger he has put soldiers into in Iraq is her beef. But she still wanted to make the point that she has seen the effect 'foreigners' have had, both good and bad. Its deep to interact with folks not on Alternet's email list. There were stomp-offs and peace treaties. We made peace by all agreeing that military recruiters lie and should be off campuses, they were glad to hear Ruckus works specifically on that issue. Then I found a turtle and we made friends...I found out that there are big loggerhead turtles here that cross from the pond over the backyard to lay their eggs. The babies have to find their way through the dogs, horses, trucks with the mufflers removed, and people to find their way to an unseen home. My grandfather - Papa - was excited to hear about my new job once we clarified the non-violent part. Family is always such an up and down experience, suprising progressive viewpoints, toxic bubbles of closemindedness and then the love. Big love. Whenever I am deep at work, I think of what would reach these folks, what would move them. It reminds me that my work must exemplify honor, cause we're reaching to people boxed in by the judgement they've been taught from birth. My worldview demands continued outreach, even when it hurts to hear the current thoughts. In other news, the price of gas may be too high for me to drive across country! It may actually be cheaper to fly and ship, which is a sad statement on the price of oil right now. But we're really excited about the Lakers and Suns game tonight. I think I've found something I really like with this basketball stuff. My dad is finally happy, with three bball lovin daughters. (Patience makes the players cuter!) Its hot as 'hades' down here. That's what everyone keeps saying. Along with goshdarnit, dagnabbit, gotamighty-knows, and son of a biscuit eater! So...that's half the family.

suns spurs suns spus

Oops! Suns! That's what I meant! Thank u to all my sports savvy editors :-) game 7 on saturday, I hope I got that right! The details are less important than the emotions! Ahem. April has her masters now!!! Go sista!

go spurs

Just watched the lakers get shut down by the spurs, how wonderful!! You learn so much about teamwork watching this stuff...steve holding the team together while kobe tries to blaze out on his own and call his team inexperienced and young. Steve never saysthe word I after the game, always we - he has mad assists and those make the difference in the playoffs, in anything. Perfect for the direction I'm moving in :-) Watched it with my dad and sisters and we were all hooked. Family time, I know it is my great privilege. We got mad love. In terms of my search for my roots, the whole family is on the case. We've got scottish, irish, lots of german in a surprise twist (I grew up there on army bases in budingen, mannheim and bamberg) on my mom's side. We have our own tartan and crest! My sistergot her aura read and they said we have moroccan royal blood. We have a family reunion coming up end of june for the South Carolina Browns and I think I have to go and see. We're open to DNA testing as well. Am I geeked? Oh yes... Now here I am, no computer 4 three days, by a lake where there's crickets and frogs, with my beloved family. Smile on it!

getting un-numbified

ok ok ok

i was feeling a bit numb and overwhelmed by everything i had to do to make a good transition from ny to cali, league to ruckus, now to then. and then i heard 'unspeakable joy' by kim english and got my soul right!!

lol - well not exactly that, but download the osio club mix and dance around your room, thats like my theme song, cuz every time i get stuck, i have to go inside and pull it out, that joy thing. even my therapist has joy in her name!

a good teacher told me that a great master in any realm falls off balance as much as anyone else, but she is more expert at recentering herself, until from the outside you can't even see a moment of wavering. for me its truth and reconciliation - the truth is i have a whole lot to do, and all of it is stuff i manifested and wanted. i can balance in that.

it also helps that the League has hired a communications director and he really really knows what the hell he is doing and is going to take what i was trying to do into the realm of the real and the fabulous, beyond what i could have even dreamed.

so now i can think about going to california!

what follows is all hella random:

is it wrong to say that sometimes when i walk around, particularly in chelsea, i kind of wish i was a hottie gay guy with a great ass in torn jeans with a mohawk? and that given the reality that the men i am closest to in life are gay, bi-, or remarkably metro, and i keep trying to cut my hair into at least a faux hawk, and my ass...well, hee hee...anyway, i hate the term fag hag, but i love the idea of being a fabulous queen. does this whole paragraph just gain me a perma-membership in the ignoramus-of-the-day club?

a blip of amb wisdom: i overheard a woman on a phone on 14th street saying, "i mean, yes he has been an asshole, but he says he's going to change those things. give him a chance." i wanted to grab the phone from her, and tell her friend - he'll never change. either love that shit in front of you or gets ta steppin {as oprah would say}. instead of that dramatic and potentially dangerous move, i made a note to self to yell that to myself if ever in another situation with a 'fixer-upper' - that really just means a mismatch, so moveon. AMEN.

also, its official, i hate interventions! i walked into one last night by accident and they just really aren't my thing, unless its the last resort. in which case, it should be done at a resort over massages and margeritas! 

i am going to live in a yurt for june! it has a wood floor and a sunroof! i think i am heading into the extreme simplification phase of my life. i want a bed and my books and not too much more than that. those who have been to my house know this is a big shift!

trader joe's in new york feels weird. but not weird enough to keep me from buying pecan praline granola, which is like the best in the world!

spring is great for layering. layering is my favorite way to dress. i noticed today that my style was looking like a 30 year old more than a 20 year old. i can only hope elegance triumphs over the frump to which i am drawn.

ok, two other blogs to do - i am the guest blogger for the drum major institute this week - www.dmiblog.net, as well as www.indyvoter.org. chale-ho! 

what i learned in ny

by no means a complete list, but it occurred to me that i might start compiling what i've learned in new york these ten years...

in no particular order...

- the importance of dancing as if you are all alone, and dancing often when you are all alone, preferably nude and to music you don't need the world to know you love
- deep close friendships come in phases that are best suited to what you need at the time.
- the depth is something to be grateful for, the sooner you accept the phases and the fact that the depth can remain when the proximity shifts, the more peaceful you will be, and the better you can express present needs
- how to eat kim chee, enchiladas, sushi, pad thai, and basically everything that goes beyond chicken and rice and spaghetti (naw my mom cooked more than that {i can't forget salmon croquettes!}{i should also give a shout out to dominos pizzas on friday nigths when we were stateside - mmmm}{dominos has not held up the mmm-factor over the years}. but on the real my dad isn't into spicy anything...in a suprise break from my genes, i love spicy everything!)
- love hurts
- it makes absolute sense to be drawn to this place, and to leave it. every time.
- if you look for it, beautiful or horrible human interactions are happening all the time.

- everyone has one or more struggles to combat in this lifetime. some take so much from you that interacting with the world is beyond your capacity - ny is a good place to come and find people, or  to disappear.
- if you aren't aware of your struggle, and aren't part of working for solutions, then you are part of the problem and chances are you will have to keep coming back into the madness of life until you get it right
- a little convenient space close to your friends and good food is priceless
- there's no such thing as a good/fair landlord, but if you look at landlords as a source of great humor, they are a perfect species.
- the world functions on multiple planes - cockroaches, mice, millionaires, babies, pit bulls, homeless folk, mamas, models and you are all right there, coexisting, all the time
- everyone does that walk, where you pretend the whole world is checkin out your entire get-up with snooty approval and those in the know know you're on point. one hand on your bag, extra pop thru the hips, lips pursed, cheeks haughty, eyes slit behind sweet aviators. or not. either way its one of those days and you look just right for it. everyone does it. its just more fun to do this here than anywhere else in the country.
- you can exist in new york without ever ever going to the upper east side
- spring might just be heaven
- tho we will definitely turn our heads and tell folks about it later, famous people ain't nothin special.
- befriending everyone at your local bodega and becoming a regular at several local restaurants are necessary to feeling at home.
- if you've loved here, the city is your extended memory
- ipods specifically have improved public transportation experiences (see point one)
- everything is better if someone you love refers it: restaurants, organizations, music stores, tattoo/piercing parlors, bars, dance nights, quiet places, museum exhibits, weed guys, apartments...everything...

ok surely more to come but that was in my head.

also this lyric:

'oh no baby don't let them lead you astray
its not your place
what you're missing cannot be replaced'

what does that even mean? it came to me like almost all lyrics do, as a snippet with a melody for me to jot down and tuck away and develop for a future album, when album making begins...this year!?

i spent the weekend running around trying to fit in a march, conference, bbq, meeting, chilling, editing, writing an article, and avoiding parties. after saying yes to multiple parties friday night and bowing out of all of them, i was vindicated by the calls on saturday from no less than seven people who had 'gotten tore up' and 'made a fool' of themselves. i would say those days are behind me, but i fall down stone cold sober.

like a stone cold fox.

and what.

today was the first day of a three day meeting on the super exciting future 5000 project. its movin right along, its amazing to watch visions and dreams turn into plans and results; to let go of what hasn't worked up till now to make space for what could be better than anything we've ever done.

it was also exciting because it was my first day with the league's new communications director! unloading the story of the league and the landscape of the job is such a relief and kind of mindblowing, thinking of what we've done.

i'm also going to write about may day, a day without immigrants, but i'll do it on the indyvoter blog! :)

all my love!