adrienne maree, the luscious satyagraha

my perfect day

hello - i am writing you from inside my perfect day :)

i woke up this morning, finished and sent off my last major pressing piece of planning work - which means in the past 3 days i have completed two segments of league 2006 planning, my 360 staff evaluation, ruckus evaluations, compiling ruckus 2006 plans, two week-long organizational development retreat agendas...on roughly 7 total hours of sleep.

but i woke up this morning ready to go because i planned myself a great day today. i went to meet my sister and her boyfriend for arugula and goat cheese pierogis and kielbasa at veselka (this was the last day for those particular perfect pierogis as they were the flavor of the month - i was so happy to catch them one last time). then i took my sister to the baths, as this was her birthday gift. yesterday was her birthday and we celebrated at spoonbread. yummy, too.

when we got to the baths i booked her a dead sea salt scrub and a mud treatment. wednesday is women's day, so everyone can go nude and its the healthiest feeling, to be around women in the heat. the whole time i am taking mental pictures, everyone of every shape and variety looks so beautiful in the ritual of community bathing and sweating and indulgence. i created a peppermint water mix to toss over the heat in one room, which makes every pore of your body feel the way your mouth feels with a peppermint patty in it...remarkably clean inside and out.

near the end of the baths autumn and i crept upstairs where the men were working to brazenly smoke a j there. one young worker said he's been here a month, comes from a country near afghanistan where they role them 'like my finger, so thick'. we laughed, and they all laughed at us in russian.

then i had my higher level thought for the day, which was that you get to an age where right and wrong become more clear, and where doing right becomes noble. and autumn said, but that doesn't ensure there is a universal truth. but then i thought, it can if you imagine the truth as a non-linear thing, as a four dimension thing, or even as merely a spine, that only if all the pieces that can be right align are you truly in a place to function - which, like the spine's alignment, is a miracle. universal truth is the miracle of flow, the alignment of rightness in your heart, and you feel in an honest place with life when the different parts of your life are flowing. some people flow from working hard and action, some from deep relaxation and contemplation - i need equal parts both.

so...then my sister and i walked down the city - i had finally scheduled the massage i got for my birthday from kate and arie. i walked down from the baths, past st marks and all the stylish people. my sister and i parted ways and i kept walking, winding my way through the neighborhoods to chinatown, a brisk pace on the sunny side of the street on a warm day. WITH my mariah carey soundtrack putting the betty boop pep in my step.

and then i found love in the hands of an old chinese man in a basement on mott street. his name is tony, his game is acupressure, and he left me transformed. i gasped, i sighed, i moaned, i giggled from the good pain releasing from me, i breathed through it. i reached a peak that only be imagined as a whimper. afterwards i couldn't take my eyes off of him, or stop murmuring wonderful wonderful. i tipped him extravagantly.

and THEN i walked home on the south side of the manhattan bridge. some folks prefer the brooklyn bridge, but the manhattan at sunset is the boss move. the brooklyn bridge is gorgeous with the sun behind it, and the city finally looks whole again to me, i don't see it as a wounded place. i am glad to live here now when i can see the city this way, a little lower, more equality on both sides of the bridges, nothing jarring in either skyline. i am glad i got to see the boats cutting across the white glassy surface, watch the surface warm as the sun fell, all the buildings and the happeningness of all the people. the grafitti that side of the bridge, the kids making out in a nook this side of the bridge. remember when you kissed so furiously because you were pretending passion...before learning of tenderness and the brink and going deeper into pleasure that shakes your very spirit.

and still to come - dinner with my newly engaged dear friend isaac; possible drinks with a young man i might take as a lover if he can hold my interest - he's an actor and perhaps could fulfill my fantasy of someone whispering 'to sleep perchance to dream' against my neck as night comes; dessert to celebrate a friend's birthday. and i'm watching close encounters of the third kind.

this, so its down for the record, is my perfect day. my work is done, my body is relaxed, my heart is full, my mind is clear and my time isn't done.

my friend billy parish is in montreal this week for the International Climate Negotiations in Montreal and you should definitely check out their blog. http://www.itsgettinghotinhere.org/

all is full of love, it's all around you - bjork

a few short things

so i have been deep in 2005 evaluations and 2006 planning process for two organizations that i love which means long nights, long days, talking aloud to myself and losing major documents and having to rewrite them and realizing i haven't eaten or washed more than my teeth for longer than my OCD ass can stand.

but i will pop my head out for a few random thoughts!

one - i sent cynthia mckinney talking points on tookie williams and i haven't heard back from her. does that mean she didn't like them, didn't get them, or what? in the meantime, the schwarz-man has said he would consider clemency for tookie, but we need exert pressure on him. if you aren't informed about tookie's execution, its set for december 13th and you can get more information at www.savetookie.org, sign a petition at http://colorofchange.org/williams.html, and call in to make your voice heard as often as possible to: 916-445-2841

two - i got invited to a party by someone. i am convinced this person hates me, though i don't know why. he is always rude in a weird way when we see each other. its unfortunate because i think he's dope, even used to have a mini-crush, blah blah. conundrum...

three - if you haven't seen born into brothels yet, rent it. i put it on yesterday and really had a hard time multi-tasking while it was on - so amazing, so beautiful and it's these awesome kids. just rent it. preferably on netflix cause everything else sucks.

four - is it strange that the more i need to focus, the more i need to have going at once? yesterday i looked up and i had oprah on the tv, mariah playing, playing minesweeper in the corner of my screen while reviewing and editing my documents, having 8 im conversations half of which were work and half of which were on love or current lack thereof, AND on the phone AND eating peanuts. work bliss.

five - i had a short lapse with cigarettes yesterday. a while ago i was with someone who bought a pack to use the tobacco to roll...something...yeah and anyway afterwards the pack ended up in my bag and i was like oh i will give this to one of the 3000 smokers in my midst but then i didn't give it away and then there it was. yesterday. i talked to it - i just said no, no no no no no! then i said half. then i said dear god that feels good. then i went into full lapse mode! but it is over, it was a dark day and that day is behind me. bye bye lapse day, hello heart.

six - speaking of hearts i also had a short lapse with the heartbreaker the other week where we were back in touch and admitted missing each other in specific ways and i was cool for a second and then my heart was like oh you think you can just be friends with mofos i don't think so you silly silly little ho. i am in a battle with my heart currently cause i really think i CAN be friends, that i can be mature, and regardless i can't have a no communications option and -

ouch - just got bitchslapped by heart. my bad. never mind...sigh.

seven - i am mcing an event dec 2nd...last chance to see me before i leave for basically all of december!

¡Viva El Barrio!

A Celebration of East Harlem's Strength and Diversity
through Art, Music, and Poetry

Friday, December 2, 2005
6pm until 9pm

Union Settlement Auditorium
237 East 104th St (b/w 2nd and 3rd Avenues)

In commemoration of World AIDS Day 2005, ¡Viva El
Barrio! will pay tribute to loved ones lost to
HIV/AIDS, and empower our community to "KEEP THE
PROMISE"!
 
LIVE MUSIC    POETRY    DANCE    FOOD    DJ

This is a FREE EVENT!

Sponsored jointly by Mount Sinai School of Medicine,
the Center for Multicultural Affairs, East Harlem HIV
Care Network, and Johnson Counseling Center of Union
Settlement.

monday monday

whew - ok taking a short break from listening to mariah carey and preparing for two upcoming organizational retreats in california to post. i haven't been posting daily right now, there's a lot going on. but a lot of it is the kind of frustrating end of the year work. no venting, no venting!

its my sister autumn's birthday tuesday - she's shown amazing grace through a rough year - looking back at that time right after college...flames flames. one flame has included not being able to find a really exciting job as an organizer...i remember myself how hard it was to find organizations that were willing to make an investment in an organizer with youth and college organizing experience.

today i had breakfast with someone who i met during my harm reduction days and we just had a kvetching session about the corporatizion of non-profits and non-profit funding, and how amazingly qualified people don't get good opportunities that actually pay a living wage right now, how prevalent mismanagement is, and how rarely non-profits are a realization of the organization's public values. it's so disappointing to be in this period of generational shift when young women of color particularly are not able to find a safe supportive space to really floruish, and often because older, well-intentioned folks in the movement are not willing to really hand over power. we really have to start calling this out when we see it and challenging ourselves and those we love and work with to step beyond this movement barrier.  

in other news - i changed the song on my outgoing voice mail message and its getting good reviews. AND bette midler is on the view this morning as my background noise :) life's little pleasures!

though...last night i watched the first movie that really made me question too much pleasure - gore vidal's 'caligula'. my boy nathan rented this on dvd and they watched and said it seemed like i should. not sure what to make of this, since it was extreme orgiastic scenes interspliced with super explicit violence. anytime you'd start to get a little heat then something horrific would happen. makes you want to be a quiet monk!

adrienne the monk. hmmm.

wanted to share this upcoming event with you. also, it's world aids day on december 1st, in addition to being the birthday of my beloved sofia santana, so lots of celebration this week before i head to california for two weeks...i am mcing an aids event on dec 2, as soon as i get more information from shonali i will let y'all know.

check this out:

--

Hi there!

Junior Vasquez here. I want to tell you about a party that you can’t miss on Saturday, December 3rd at the Manhattan Center.

Move Against AIDS is a five hour Dance-a-thon that benefits GMHC and the Community HIV/AIDS Mobilization Project. I’ll be there along with DJ’s Tony Moran, Chad Jack, Mary Mac and Tony Touch. Special guests and performers also include Tyson Beckford, Jai Rodriguez, Jody Watley, Kim English, and Wendy Williams – and a very special performance by Jason Walker during my set!

Last year was an absolutely incredible show, and I’m thrilled to return this year to do what I can to help these important organizations confront the ongoing HIV/AIDS crisis in our community. Over 15,000 men women and children benefit from the services provided by GMHC.

Even here in NYC it’s not often that you have the opportunity to see the nations best DJ’s on one night. Don’t miss your chance! You can get more info at www.moveagainstaids.org or call 212-807-9255. Register today and make your move against AIDS!

See you December 3rd!
Junior Vasquez

Register now to make a difference in the lives of thousands of people living with HIV/AIDS. 

Raise more to help more – join the New and Improved Red Carpet Club!  Challenge yourself by setting a goal of raising $350 or more.  Incentives include:

• Access to our special Platinum Pavillion.  Free refreshments and lots of perks!

• Everyone who raises $350 or more will be entered into a drawing for a pair of round-trip tickets on Delta Air Lines good for flights in the U.S., Canada, Caribbean or Mexico!

• Receive the official Move Against AIDS Red Carpet Club messenger bag, knit cap with flip brim and t-shirt!

• Free express admission to the official Move Against AIDS after-party at crobar featuring DJ David Morales.  The after-party will include an open bar from 1:00 a.m. – 2:00 a.m. (21 and over only)!

Register today and make your move against AIDS!

me and mariah go back like...(my review of the emancipation of mimi)

thanksgiving was amazing and awesome and i went horseback riding and gave a little concert with my sister for the family and no murders occurred tho there were guns on some of the horseback rides but not mine cause i generally feel if its your time its your time so blah blah blah. but on the way home my sisters and i got to listen to The Emancipation of Mimi, Mariah Carey's latest offering to the gods of high notes and love songs.

i have to back up here so y'all understand my deep and everlasting love for crazy ass mariah.

my parents saw mariah on arsenio hall and told me about her, and then, then i saw her and I had a vision of love. i bought the TAPE and listened to it over and over on my walkman, i would spend entire nights wearing out batteries listening to her. when she rapped on prisoner of love i was right there with her - 'maybe you don't think that i'll be strong enough but i'm not gonna be a prisoner of yo love no more, no more,'  i was tryin to tap with her on all in your mind.

and someday?? deserves its own paragraph! the most wonderful btft (by teen for teen) two snaps of songwriting. i know i am not alone as a teen girl scorned in love whose only rebuttal is that someday the fool will recognize that you are a mariah carey level individual and come running back, but it will be too late. real life has shown that often, that is not the case. still, the song is a DEEP comfort - somewhere there exists footage of me playing mariah carey in a 7th or 8th grade theater class video reenactment.

from then on, when mariah carey's new albums dropped, everything would simultaneously drop from my schedule while i listened and learned to sing every song she put out there. i learned to sing from mariah, to strain my voice into multiple octaves. i learned to love my curly hair.

i distinctly remember the first time i heard dreamlover and the boy it brought to mind. i remember rollerskating with my current boyfriend at a high school lock-in to fantasy. folks slept on baby doll, and breakdown was just brilliant. i even went so far as to love the mariah version of the beautiful ones, even though she had crisco-cisco on there as a faux-prince.

mariah went thru some hard times - heartbreak, trynna reclaim her daddy, a total breakdown and suicide attempt and being just plain crazy. i was feelin you mariah! glitter and charmbracelet were just as hard on me, mariah! and yet she kept giving us a taste of what she was capable of - i mean heartbreaker is a classic. both the jay-z and da brat/missy remixes are on my favorites playlist to this day.

a couple of months ago i saw the video for we belong together - it brought tears to my eyes. then shake it off - i was still too broke to make a purchase but i knew something was happening - in the interviews she looked healthy, only slightly off, mariah was back and even had the balls to say 'don't call it a comeback'.

and now, with the full hearing of the emanicipation of mimi, i am just so proud of my girl. she is 'sangin' again, she got good producers on here, it is a wonderful album. and it's thematic, the whole thing is about still being caught up on someone who you just wish would come back, not forget you, give you one more chance, when you can't make it....she does the 8th octave thing...the highlights are so high - your girl, the neptunes productions, the joyride with that insane note near the end??!! the gospel closer?!?! the song that is basically about giving head!? snoop?? TWISTA?!!!

i am back in the audience, lighter all lit and burning my thumb with joy!

thank you mariah, thank you for writing your own proclamation :)

now give us us go'ment cheese!!

murderer in the backyard

i know i tend to be fairly dramatic, but sometimes life gives me good reason.

like these past couple of days, where a MURDERER has been lurking in my grandparent's backyard.

YES.

A MURDERER.

in north augusta, my eventual thanksgiving location, a man walked into a huddle house (a.k.a. the other white waffle house) and demanded the wallet of a family friend of my grandparents. the friend said no, and the man shot him, killed him, and then shot the preacher who was also there. he'd already shot someone else in the area.

he ran, and was Hiding Out On My Grandparent's Property.

i may have mentioned before that my grandparents have a farm with horses on it. large portions of it have been bought up so a highway can be built through the middle of it, which is sad, because it's a quaint and beautiful place. but my mema and papa are hardworking people who hit their financial peak long ago and need this...

anyway, sheriffs and bloodhounds tracked the killer's footprints up to my uncle's home, which is a refurbished barn behind my grandparents house, and then to the horse supply shed between the two homes. the po-po have been scouring the property, all up in the woods, and haven't found the killer, who is armed. its possible he's being helped by the mentally ill neighbor across the street, whose claim to fame thus far has been flaunting middle fingers while yelling nasty things at folks as they drive by...

tomorrow we head down for the big meal. it promises to be interesting, as all the menfolk have spent the past couple days watching t.v. with shotguns on their laps. i am always telling my grandmother in particular not to live in fear, so this blows all that to hell. it also blows to hell my youthful debates with my grandfather on the danger of keeping hunting rifles in the home; these are my beloved white southern christian relatives, for whom hunting is a childhood sport and adult hobby. they are good people, godfearing people, who have slowly but overwhelmingly come to embrace their black grandchildren, and not in a yucky Bush-embracing-'hispanic'-relatives-ish way.

i spent the day safe with my sisters in columbia. we went to see the opening night of rent, which is always an emotional experience of art for me. i cried like a baby, thinking of all the people i love who are living with hiv, and trying to think of ways to incorporate that work back into what i'm doing these days, as its still the work of my heart. 

this time with my sisters is deep - i am sitting back and listening to them, and its good. they are growing up and they are hilarious and strong. i have so much to tell them but so far nothing important is coming out of my mouth, sometimes that happens with family. i am so happy to be around them, i don't want to bring into this place some of the life i've been living of late. it strikes me that i am depressed, having a low moment, but having acknowledged that...it seems less important than just soaking them up.

my sister april lives with this tiny sweet southern woman who also happens to be a 40-year-old active duty soldier who served in iraq and loves bush. the house is decorated with lots of flowers and quilts and wall hangings that say 'home is where the army sends you'. the roommate, who is not actually staying here while we're here, seemed very sweet when we met her. she's in school with april this year getting a masters in media. my sister april teaches me so much about looking beneath the external markers of a person to value their life experiences, to see so much of what i take so seriously (a person's politics) as merely an outward show of engaging in the world, the meat not the marrow. she teaches me to choose my battles, and choose my tactics with more care.

i keep meaning to write brief missives and coming out with long posts here...not sure why. the wind is pressing up all around the house and i'm inside and warm and sleepy. tomorrow i'll go where killers tread stealing this land years ago and where killers tread now. my roots go into red and white soil, this dirtiest kind of south, where loved ones await me.

i was really looking forward to stuffing my face with homecooked food till a misguided friend grabbed my arm and told me i was plump, which made me lose my appetite. i had no idea!! hopefully my mind can recover from this stunning expose on the state of my body. i will only be able to give true thanks if my appetite comes back before the sweet potato souffle with crushed pecan crust is served...

wish me luck! and hey molly :)

me and charlotte sitting in a tree

and what i mean by that is the charlotte airport, which is my favorite airport in the country. which is great since i spent 6 hours there when my already long lay-over was extended due to a mysterious delay. there have been times in my life when that kind of delay would really upset me, but today it was great, because i had my computer to do some work, i had a book to read, and it was this particular airport.

the charlotte airport has a brookstone with the latest massage chair model - the one with a hand and arms massaging part! i kicked off my shoes and did some deep tissue and shiatsu work. i have gotten to the place where i don't mind enjoying the massage chair to the full out extent as long as possible - until someone taps me and asks if i am interested in buying the chair. interested yes, in possession of $4,000 for a chair, no.

i rock the chair like it is in my home, even though it is a display chair so people walk by and comment, facially. the women generally smile that wry american grin of shame...'look, she's clearly enjoying herself...jezebel. i want to do that but my husband stickbooty would frown upon it.'

9 out of 10 men look at the breasts only and keep walking. this stat is of course just based on one afternoon in north carolina, but still, isn't that how most stats on the american male are documented?

this airport also has a chili's where a girl can put away two el nino margaritas and a bowl of soup and no one bats an eye even if its before noon. AND it has rocking chairs by windows all throughout the place, lots of light and very little construction. and no real internet connection to speak of, so all i could do was work without the distraction of gaim (my encrypted consolidated chat program where i can see aim, yahoo, msn, etc all on one list! gracias satya!) or email.

then i arrived in south carolina where i was picked up by my two stunning sisters and whisked off to dinner at - can you guess? OLIVE GARDEN!! o.g. has significant sentimental value in my family - as does burger king and i can't even start on dominos. when we were in the u.s. and could get this type of marvelous exotic over-the-top food it was a miracle. those breadsticks make me think of a time when eating out was a special event for special occasions - as opposed to now when it's breakfast, lunch and dinner.

and this WAS a special event, for this was the official brown sisters meeting with april's big football boyfriend stanley. he was completely sweet and the two of them were giddy and comfortable together and overall it was just sickeningly cool. stanley is ranked the 12th or 13th defensive lineman in the country right now and stands a good chance of going pro. he's got a thick louisiana accent and his appeal is like that of the rock, all cocked brow and bulk.

tomorrow the loungefest officially begins, which basically consists of my sisters and i seeing who can go the longest without getting dressed, cleaning, or moving in any way from the couch where we are watching scarface, the godfather, and whatever else is in april's collection. i cannot put into words how much i have needed this time and looked forward to it. everyone should have something, or some people, comparable to this in life. and be grateful for it.

this is thanksgiving week, where everyone in the progressive community tries to outdo each other by coming up with something else to call it. happy whatever you end up calling it. be grateful for your history and your present and your future.

oh...geez

today is hard...

not hard for me personally, i'm deep in my process and working my way through all these thoughts in my head - who is serious about this movement work, who is not serious...what is power really like and how fast do we have to go before people see that we are building it and it takes time...and why are all the amazing people i know going through the hardest times of their lives?

when i run out of hope i start to run on faith. i'm at that place now. i've been spending some good time in my head, and some great time working, but for today, i give it all over to faith. faith that there's a purpose to the pain beyond my comprehension and faith that we do take things so personally and so seriously sometimes when it doesn't have anything to do with us, when its time and circumstances and all we are meant to do is give in to the flow and survive. hope will return tomorrow, as i am about to travel down to south carolina and meet my sister's football boyfriend and taste my grandmother's cooking.

days with my sisters! thank god!

i'm tired :)

my plants

ok i am so real about my plants!

today i bought plant food and a plant light to help my babies through the winter. this is part of a new project for me, as i haven't previously had a great history of keeping plants alive. i've been so transient - but now i am settling a bit in ft. green. of course, with my travel schedule i'll need help. but still, they are living and i am responsible. i can't have a pet, but these plants are resilient and only need to be fed every two weeks or so!

now i have 6 and they are looking beautiful and they all have names and they keep me good company. robespierre, muddy waters, autumn's-plant-please-don't-die, wonka, l'il lamb, and miss fabulous are blossoming!

that's the most exciting thing happening this weekend and, to be quite honest, its Very Very exciting! :)

grow something!

bedouins, farmers and cookie monsters!

the brooklyn bedouin just left - i love a full grown man who really understands 
a true slumber party! ibrahim abdul-matin arrived in SHORTS so he could feel 
the cold, then made an argument that his ancestors come from upstate ny 
and the cold is in his blood. crazy, deranged! 

my newest plant sprouted today!! little green shoots up through wet dark soil, 
such a joy to see. i am going to buy a plant light to help these babies make 
it through the winter! 

i heard from my farmerboy, a darling i met in california - he and his dad run 
farms in the u.s. and canada and document family farm culture, now he is 
traveling the world playing music and making art.  his current question - go 
to kenya for the world social forum or just skip it and go to india? my answer - 
take me with you, either place!

i also heard from darling seiji, who is taking off for thailand and wanted book 
recommendations. i recommend everyone, especially every traveler, read 'the 
famished road' by ben okri. its about a spiritchild who comes to earth and 
decides to stay, and all the adventures he has as a human boy who is aware 
of all the spirits in the world. the famished road was once a river, and always 
urges the traveler to keep moving. its a beautiful magical book. 

i went grocery shopping with chelsea peretti yesterday, and while she found 
all the healthy things in pathmark, i found the krispy creme doughnuts and 
the new O magazine! the whole issue is about pleasure - how could i RESIST? 
i am the pleasure activist! so now i am laying about the house working, thinking 
about the donuts, drinking tea, and flipping thru O. 

now while i lay about the house, janine is in the field gathering hilarious stories. 
the thing about my friends is - we have a point of view. this point of view sees 
the true merde-fest that is human existence, and opts to accentuate the 
positive, even when the only way to do that is to laugh uproariously at life. 
case in point:

"My Boss was asked to tactfully tell a colleague of ours (Francine) about 
her assistant's problem with the cookies. This is the e-mail my boss wrote:

-----Original Message-----
From: My Boss
Sent: Thursday, November 17, 2005 3:55 PM
Subject: Cookie monster

Dear Francine,
Pardon my bluntness, but we've got a favor to ask you.  
Would you please speak to Your Assistant about her cookie habit?  
As you know, all work places have unwritten codes of etiquette.  Cookie jar 
etiquette would  read something like - please help yourself to cookies, but 
don't forget to leave some for everyone else.  Your Assistant eats cookies 
all day. She eats cookies until there are no more cookies in the jar.  More 
than one person has noticed, so it has to be addressed. Sorry to pass along 
this uncomfortable task!"

-

I say, thank god for small blessings and big cookies! 

WOAH life!

woah life!!!

today i got a gorgeous collaged tobacco box from brilliant author and my friend kathy wilson in cincinnati and she included in it this stunning ring from cuba which i had admired when last at her home. kathy and i have a legendary literary friendship, an email mutual autobiographing, that includes little gifts - i made her an oil, she made me this piece of functional art with the ring, now i have to step it up...its very cool, and i encourage everyone to find someone brilliant and superior to correspond with.

and today i got a call On My Cell Phone from cynthia mckinney, the progressive congresswoman from georgia, about helping her draft a letter to the governator in support of clemency for tookie williams! thats a scary call, with only one answer - yes, i will help. his story is so incredible - check savetookie.org - he was the founder of the crips, is set to be executed on dec 13, and was a 2002 nominee for the nobel peace prize for his anti-gang work. california hasn't granted clemency since 1967, its time to save a life and set a precedent for redemption. thanks davey d for puttin me in the work.

and today i got to talk to four people who are in the hardest bravest place in life - when you put your foot down, sometimes for the hundredth time, and make the commitment to finding your slice of sanity and putting it on a pedestal. y'all rock, i'm saving all my love for y'all. (i feel like its wrong to paraphrase whitney houston without sweating like a saint on satan's lap and saying i'd like to thank god, my fans, and I LOVE YOU BOBBY AND FRUMPY L'IL BOBBIE XTINA!!!)

today i got to relive some experiments i've engaged in during my short life and decided that i am excited by the yeses, and proud of the nos.

and today, evans richardson the ViV said we can hang out this weekend, which means i. am. be. side. my. self!

today my sister april passed her 'oral defense' which is a term that means something academic so get your brains our of the GUTTER - and since she passed her comps, she basically has her masters  in journalism now and is just doing the work part. how amazing is that?

oh um - this is her man!

and today i got to have a long talk with my sister autumn who is my other DUMB smart sister and we talked about chinese industrialization, god, groupthink, green capitalism, porn, ecological footprints, the grist articles i wrote which she's never read or even heard about! and her fish...and we talked about sarah lawrence's so far successful push for ethnic studies. go sam, that's her boyfriend, go sam!

and today autumn loaned me a collection of bjork videos. bjork is my inner artist. the video for hunter? stop! the! madness!

and today i got the dvd of the youth debate pilot tv show we recorded this summer which aired on free speech tv in august. they are looking for funding for the project - holla if you know angel donors into supporting youth debate.

today i WENT TO MY OFFICE. that's its own whole thing! i listened to talking heads the whole time, even though the real ear stunner this week is luther vandross making it onto my ipod shuffle. :)

AND, TODAY, i decided i want to buy this artwork:

its 18 x 24...if the artist, my dear friend joshuagabriel, is willing to take tiny installments over a long period of time, this dream could come true. its just so beautiful!

and today i ate steak with bearnaise sauce and drank pinot noir. it was sooo gooood. and a crepe de la bananes y coco or something, yummy and perfect.

and all i can say is, woah life! WOAH!

a random list of pressing concerns, some of them sexual

1. i recently had a conversation with some close friends about how early in life we became sexually active, wherein sexually active is defined as running around like a horny dog rubbing one's self on anything and everything that might satisfy the mysterious urges Down There. as i listened i became aware that my activities started VERY EARLY. what does this mean????

2. i have recently awaken from tender nightmares with my computer right next to me, and i am beginning to worry about our relationship. i mean i get to talk about myself plenty which as far as i can tell is the key to good relationships...but my computer gets to frame everything! its a bit abusive to me that i only get to communicate to the outside world when SHE feels to connect, particularly as she is the gateway to internet porn and music and i mean, i spend most of my days with her head in my lap. but do i really know my computer? can i count on her not to blank out completely when i most need her?

3. am i the only person i know who will admit to loving internet porn? specifically the sites where you can get like 1 minute of free video? because yes, i have a short attention span even when it comes to watching porn. get me up and get me off, ya know...

4. at what point does a hole in one's foot go from being a painful hindrance to an emergencia?

5. i think i am TOO excited to Not be going out of town this weekend. i mean its new york, its cold. not like i'm do anything particular here. my dream is to hang out with evans richardson the - III...or IV...or maybe V. something very regal. but he's a busy brain, so one can only hope.

6. back to the sex stuff, and this may get a bit graphic but i've been conducting a casual poll [do not even try to imagine how amazing the results of a FORMAL poll of my inner circle would be!] and as far as i can tell there are a lot of positions that are exciting visually or as a concept, but nothing even comes close to the bump and grind of doggy style for men or women, gay or straight. if you have a different opinion, please holler at me, because it has me stumped on the possibilities for human evolution if, in our most private walls down spaces, all we really want is to be spanked and called dirty names and do the dirty doggy style.

7. how much is sex like crack?

8. and by that i mean the more you get the more you want?

9. or maybe i'm just going through a highly sexed up phase of adulthood that started when i was....extremely young?

10. am i a hypocrit to want to talk about sex whenever it comes to mind and really explore all of these pressing concerns but also not be boxed in the sex box in life? you know what the sex box is dontcha kids? its when you meet people and they assume that because you are into sex in theory and some practice that you will be into sex with them. NO MY CHILD. I AM NOT INTO SEX WITH YOU UNLESS I SAY I AM INTO SEX WITH YOU. DON'T PUT BABY IN A CORNER!

sigh. and its just wednesday morning! or is it tuesday? whatdafreaky.

a little better

so my stomach has calmed down....wooo. that was not pleasant! luckily i have jen and sofia in my life to take care of me :) soup and tea and backrubs and a couch and tv will make anyone feel better!

today a highlight - sophia wallace is the photographer who took my book photo and now her new site is up with some gorgeous spreads. http://sophiawallace.com/ - check it out!

on the other hand, i slept till noon today. my body feels weak and putting on clothes seems like a completely offensive concept. i am watching judge joe brown - justice is nuts. basically this whole show seems to be tired ass men who don't pay their bills. i'd love to see some post show evaluation and how many folks actually pay afterwards...

in other tv news, last night's laguna beach finale was severely disappointing, for those who watch. was i the only one like, 'jason just tell lc you love her and want her back!'??? sigh. but sydney poitier on oprah was awesome! don't be all shocked that i watch tv, i LOVE pop culture at least as much as i hate it. i just don't watch it at my house, where we have officially got the rabbit ears back in place.

this has been a lyrical time, with some sarah stuff, some vivian green jams, and...breaking news, janine is alerting me to some awesome bono lyrics from the album achtung baby. i have to go and sit with that.  actually...you can sit with it too!

here we go:

sarah mclachlan's answer -

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

and bono's/u2's  'so cruel'

We crossed the line
Who pushed who over
It doesn't matter to you
It matters to me

We're cut adrift
But still floating
I'm only hanging on
To watch you go down
My love

I disappeared in you
You disappeared from me
I gave you everything you ever wanted
It wasn't what you wanted

The men who love you, you hate the most
They pass right through you like a ghost
They look for you but your spirit is in the air
Baby, you're nowhere

Oh...love...you say in love there are no rules
Oh...love...sweetheart...
You're so cruel

Desperation is a tender trap
It gets you every time
You put your lips to her lips
To stop the lie

Her skin is pale like God's only dove
Screams like an angel for your love
Then she makes you watch her from above
And you need her like a drug

Oh...love...you say in love there are no rules
Oh...love...sweetheart...
You're so cruel

She wears my love like a see-through dress
Her lips say one thing
Her movements something else
Oh love...like a screaming flower
Love...dying every hour...love

You don't know if it's fear or desire
Danger the drug that takes you higher
Head in heaven, fingers in the mire

Her heart is racing, you can't keep up
The night is bleeding like a cut
Between the horses of love and lust
We are trampled underfoot 

Oh...love...you say in love there are no rules
Oh...love...sweetheart...
You're so cruel

Oh...love...to stay with you I'd be a fool
Sweetheart...you're so cruel

a little sick

first of all, beautiful news, one of my beloveds, khari mosley, was named one of the top 40 under 40 people making an impact on pittsburgh. not surprised but happy they see it!

had some good conversations this week with people i love. to that end i say, who are you not in touch with that you need in your life? reach out.

now, action of the day, sign this petition: www.SaveTheCourt.org/StopAlito

club to join of the day: if you like progressive movies, go check out http://www.ironweedfilms.com/subscription?viapc=EM01CFF - it's like a netflix of progressive films! and if you don't like progressive movies, who are you? why are you reading this blog?  leave me alone!

something else to watch: the boondocks! on adult swim!! yeah its funny!

and i am looking at my upcoming schedule i see i am gonna be out of ny a lot in the next month or so...anyone interested in subletting a sweet studio in new york for december?

my stomach is on a boat somewhere and i am feeling the effects of it today, feel hella seasick and i can't do anything but lay on my back. and, anyone who interprets dreams HOLLA at ya girl. i have something i want deciphered...

weekend in brooknam

its on

i sang at the union square awards. sofia santana, one of the best behind the scenes organizer minds in the country, put together another fabulous event and you know the union square awards are the best kind of thing  - giving young grassroots truly radical organizations a sizable, difference-making amount of money. iris morales asking me to sing - this goes down as one of the GREAT moments of my WHOLE life...so i opened it up with a song, come unto me all ye that labor...then sang this sweet honey song called the women gather (get raise your voice if you are looking for a sweet honey album) and then an original song and then omar freilla and his crew came up and drummed. the awardees, 15 of them, each had stories that opened you wide up.

stayed up late last night blazing near central park and relaxing in the afterglow of a lovely event. and today i spent the day at the baths with my girls dani and kat letting things come up and leave us. tonight i got to see jen kidwell perform in a fred ho show at BAM, her voice is this rich wet gift that cascades down over you into your roots and so marvelous...so its basically, so far, a perfect weekend.

PLUS i got some sweetness yestiday before the show from my favorite cuddle-bunny, and i will get to see my sister tomorrow. and i am broke, y'all, not even haha funny. something has to give, and i think its a charity, to me...

:)

hope yours is sweet!

woe is my toe

actually its the center of my foot - woe, woe, woe.

i'd like to send a shout-out to sofia n. santana, manager of my singing career, who told me she grew up with wooden floors and knew exactly how to extract a splinter. she told me this because i had a splinter. but the night when i turned to her, called her and said can you help me, she sounded sleepy and so, me being me, i went home and tried to do it myself.

i tried to do it by piecing together the snippets of information she had given me...sterilize a needle with heat or something and dig that sucker out...the bottom of the foot doesn't hurt...tweezers?

i tried to do it by holding my foot in one hand and the needle in the other and rolling around for a good angle, jabbing at the most hurtingest part, and then looking at the growing mess in the mirror. i tried to do it self-medicated. i tried to do it past the pain and obvious mess of it.

result? i have spent the last period of time with a bit of a hole in the bottom of my foot, smiling through self-inflicted pain, and i am not sure after all of that if the splinter is out, and its starting to hurt again. so. if i get gangrene and die or lose my foot i would like for y'all to pour one out not for my missing fetishizable foot, but sofia n. santana and her guilt!

IN OTHER NEWS:

i went to see the great joshuagabriel last night. he is an artist who i have watched be up and coming for years, and his music is getting angrier and more political as his voice improves. it was exciting. i used to be his sidekick, so it was funny to be there watching the cycle of the artist and the circle of the artist; but it was cool. made me think, as many things do, of gwen stefani and knowing when you cool with someone.

this is the age of watching people you met in one iteration get all deep into another. the unexpected, the new loves, the family drama, the baby mama, the next phase...say a prayer for the ones you love to make it safe the CHANGE cause change is god's kiss.

and a beloved told me today that i should go to law school. grrr. school.

i almost had an awesome post on the france riots today from a guest writer but alas, she wasn't pleased with the quality...soon and soon! paris is burning.

here's something to do this weekend:

ECO-METROPOLIS 2005:

Toward a Green, Just, Sustainable Greater NY

At the CUNY Graduate Center (365 5th Ave, at 34th St.),

Friday and Saturday,  November 11/12

Don't miss the most dynamic and diverse grassroots eco gathering in NY, as activists and experts working on a wide range of issues (environmental justice, water, food, air, transportation, education, energy, design, architecture and "green" technologies , parks/open space, biodiversity, urban planning, community empowerment, art, media, etc, etc) from all over the city and the metro area gather to share their work, inspire us and each other, and celebrate the too often unheralded, extraordinary creativity to be found in NYC's eco-activist landscape. 

The ideas, initiatives and energy to make our city and region greener, cleaner, saner, fairer, freer and more joyous are here now. Come help make it happen.   

Note: One special focus this year will be on activist students and youth and helping to nurture tomorrow's eco leaders (admission will be free for youth under 21 and students at all levels).

For more information and a full program schedule, see: www.ecometropolis.org

A FEW HIGHLIGHTS:

JASON WEST, the very young "green" Mayor of New Paltz who became a national celebrity will give a keynote talk on Friday night the 11th in an evening featuring music, poetry, eco-fashion and much more in a great culmination of a day celebrating every facet of youth eco activism and environmental education.

Saturday morning, November 12th's plenary sessions will feature four extraordinary figures:

-PEGGY SHEPARD one of NYC's legendary environmental justice advocates, founder of West Harlem Environmental Action (WEACT)

-ALEX MATTHIESSEN, Executive Director of Riverkeeper

-JOHN TODD, a legendary, world renowned figure in "green biology" and eco-design, co-founder in 1969 of the groundbreaking New Alchemy Institute and co-author of classics such as >From Eco-Cities to Living Machines in a rare NYC visit

-MICHAEL ABLEMAN, one of North America's most inspiring experts on urban agriculture and gardening and urban food security and justice

For more information and a full program schedule, see: www.ecometropolis.org

Eco-Metropolis is co-produced by the Continuing Education & Public Programs at The Graduate Center at CUNY, the New York Open Center and the Bioneers Conference...(and special thanks to THE NATION magazine)

You can register through either:

-CUNY Graduate Center's Public Programs: 212 817-8215 website: web.gc.cuny.edu/cepp
-or the New York Open Center at 212 219 2527, ext 2 website: www.opencenter.org

Admission will be FREE TO ANYONE under 21 and ALL STUDENTS WITH SCHOOL ID AT ALL LEVELS INCLUDING GRADUATE SCHOOL. We are trying to keep the price of admission as affordable as possible for all but to do that we really depend upon those of you who can afford it to help us by paying at the higher "ally/supporter" rate, or, for the truly generous and/or prosperous, at the "benefactor" level. Thankyou.

ADMISSION:
Full Conference: standard $40; ally/supporter level: $50; benefactor: $75
One day: $25; ally/supporter level: $30; benefactor:$45

Friday night only: $10

kicking ass and taking names

wow the league really worked it out yesterday! www.indyvoter.org...the results are in and where we worked, we saw good good things!! on the path towards a progressive majority, takin no prisoners. terminator my bootay...arnold got shut DOWN at the cali polls in a way that makes me feel damn near giddy. propo-who? propo-what? big up to the oxnard and frisco leagues, as well as bernard and his crew in l.a. AND my girl alysia is now a city councilperson in oxford, ohio! VA went Blue in the governor's seat! plus buffalo has its first black mayor! that almost makes me forget that we still have a white republican mayor here in the city of immigrants.

in other news, did i tell y'all i backed a hybrid into a wall in l.a.?  it was late, the alley was small, and i was so excited to be in this little hybrid. also i had been almost asleep for the entire three hour drive to l.a. and doing all those little stay awake things - pinching self, thinking hard thoughts, singing aloud to prince, drinking coffee, slapping face, reminding myself that the only person more tired than me was my passenger...but the alley wanted to cop a feel and i couldn't resist...ouch. i really respect and love the owner and hope she has insurance.

i must have done something right because this week everytime i come on here someone new is requesting officialized friendship...is this my life?

yes - i got sent beyonce wedgie pictures today,
yes - i laid in bed the entire day working in a supine position and playing with toys (i keep blowable bubbles and a kalaidescope right by the bed!) and my hair is all sticking straight up the way only a day in bed can make it do...just right!
yes - its only wednesday in this game called life.

i got off the plane yesterday to an empty wallet and empty bank account. why, god? why? oh - cause i rented a car that placed a massive hold on my account? oh ok. well i guess i'll count the quarters in the bottom of my bag and - 4, 4.50, 5.50, just enough to get the airtrain and subway to my neighborhood! i considered jumping the turnstyle but there were some people guarding it. but i then met with some folks looking to do interesting public finance campaigns in the next year and i am a fan of that plan, its time.

and now a moment for led zeppelin. i have liked lz from afar, but finally got two cds worth and i am rocking out all over the house with it on blast. also listening to m.i.a., esthero, madonna, dead prez, the new fiona (which sounds like old fiona but thats ok), and tons and tons of biggie. that boy had a dirty mouth.

i'm also listening to peyote ceremony songs, which a new friend was told i should learn.

in other news, am planning a dec 3rd party in solidarity with the actions in montreal around the global warming international meetings up there - lock it into your datebooks, should be a hot one.

and, my sweet beloveds, a reminder. it is winter, and so it is more important than ever to keep yourself hydrated and keep your skin moisturized. to that end:

1. drink more water than you currently do. but live your life like we're in a water shortage (cause we are) and preserve water while showering, brushing teeth, washing dishes, flushing the toilet. i put a little nalgene bottle sized plastic container in my toilet which helps reduce the volume of each flush and i have joined the if its mellow let it yellow crew. it takes a while to shift the practice, but we waste SO much water flushing water.

2. also, one more way to be progressive - lotion LIBERALLY. tip for the cheap - get a really nice lotion that smells like you want to smell, then get something with no real scent that's cheap and mix the two in your palm - a dab of the former and an isht-load of the latter. also, put it on right out of the shower - pat down and then lotion while skin is still moist. it holds better.

3. buff yourself! i'm learning a lot from the russians, and a major part of the lesson is that you should regularly discard the entire top layer of yourself to help your skin breath and stay really clean.

4. treat yo' feet. just lotion and put some socks on and let it soak in. peppermint lotions are the best.

thats all for now...all this has me wanting to slather myself :) amb

ELECTION DAY

oh yes it is! and i am in a cross continent race to the polls. usually half an hour is fine to get in and thru the airport for stuff but not at LAX! i went to the wrong terminal and now i have to wait for the next flight to nueva york which arrives at 7:38, and then book it to harlem to vote! if you don't know what to vote for today, our key states are covered in voter guides at www.indyvoter.org...and new york ended up not being a key league state this year, but here's info for voters wondering where to look for guidance, according to maria bacha:

• Gotham Gazette's Guide For The Last Minute Voter includes info on all the races, the 4 ballot proposals, where to vote and more.
  • http://www.gothamgazette.com/article/issueoftheweek/20051107/200/1633
       

• Juan Gonzalez Analyzes Race, Class and Progressives in the New York City Mayoral Race
  • In an interview with Amy Goodman on Democracy Now, http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=05/11/03/1545251
  • in article,  "Where Have All the Fighters Gone?",  http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=05/11/03/174925

ACTION..

There are more than 1.3 MILLION New Yorkers of voting age who can’t participate in our local democracy…

Raise your voice so that others can be heard!!! Support the E X P A N S I O N of voting rights to
tax-paying non-citizen immigrants!!!

Join us for a Press Conference and City Council Hearings on the Voting Rights Restoration Act (Intro. 628)

Date: Monday, November 14th
Press Conference: 9:30AM on the steps of City Hall
Hearings: 10:00AM - 1:00PM at 250 Broadway (across from City Hall), 14th Floor Hearing Room
Directions by Train: 1/2/3/9/A/C/J/M/Z to Chambers Street, N/R to City Hall, or 4/5/6 to Brooklyn Bridge

For more information, contact Cheryl at cherylatnice@yahoo.com or (718) 205-8796.

The League NY's own Maria Bacha has been invited to testify. Lets roll as a big crew! Call Maria at 347-729-3564 to join.

No taxation without representation.
Participation = Power

-

in other news, yesterday i got to kick it with watts community organizers aqeela and treisha and see the neighborhoods they organize, plus aqeela's developing community art space and book store, and the offices of the community self determination project, really amazing work and community entrepreneurship. aqeela helped broker the peace treaty between the bloods and the crips in l.a. and his story is inseparable from the history of watts, including last year's murder of his eldest son. he is an inspirational for real, and we need to be bringing in our own bank. to that end, check out their cd at  www.wattsrecords.com - its REALLY REALLY good, all watts-based artists. if you're looking for gifts for the upcoming season of getting and giving...

and then last night i got to go out with a hard core direct action crew as they practiced large scale projections and it was pretty fucking awesome. they get these projectors that can cover the side of a building with a message like 2000+ killed for iraqi oil, for instance, and i got to watch the troubleshooting process of these genius technical organizers. my work with ruckus really inspires and excites me, as i see more and more each day just how important the direct action piece of our work is with these fools trying to get at us. plus they know how to give massage, order good pizza and other fun loving pleasure activist activities!

and had a great conversation yesterday with an organizer i respect probably more than anyone else in the country, he broke me off some knowledge and some guidance for self-reflection. accept the call, accept the call...this is a time for LEARNING.

wish me luck getting into ny in time to cast my vote y'all!

oh and a shout-out to gavin who has been inspired by my blog to start his own!! gavin is a no joke organizer in cincinnati, ohio - check him out: http://gavinleonard.blogs.friendster.com/

live from l.a. on my weekend of elders

afloat on the depth of alabama, i trained today in santa cruz at the top of a mountain that looks down toward the sea. we trained the history of direct action and the basics of good direct action. i got to use a training celeste recently put together, it was exciting to watch all the ideas come to life. we opened and closed with group singing and we created a direct action. diane wilson, 5th generation shrimper and hard core activist on the lam from texas po-po {longer story!}, called and volunteered to do a direct action and get arrested if we came up with a good one, and i daresay we did. i'll let you know how it progresses!

this training was couched in between the opposing bookends of transportation experiences. on one end, there was the 11:05pm arrival in san jose followed by the rental car shuttle to a rental car desk with no one behind it because it closed at 11 and then the rental car shuttle back to terminal 3 and then waiting for the hotel van before calling the hotel and discovering by the laughter of the person on the other end of the phone that the vagabond inn 'don't have no shuttle honey, not a-one', which was followed by going out to the taxis, getting in the warmest one, and going to the vagabond inn which had no atm machine but did have a hot tub :) and where i had to convince a very annoyed cab driver to take my credit card while the still-laughing desk clerk started laugh-cursing at her frozen computer which did not unfreeze at any point during my waiting and eventually pleading for the key to my room which i finally got and when i lay there with my lap top and had to call the desk clerk to get the passcode for the hotel wireless, she laughed again and said she could give it to me over the phone or i could come and get it and i realized the ridiculousness of the day just had to end. but that was only last night cause when i woke i was in a hotel with no transportation of my own and three hours to figure out breakfast and how to get to santa cruz. i ate at denny's for the first time since the whole 'denny's is da kkk' incidents and i have to say: banging overeasy eggs (i am freshly inducted into the runny yellow sophisticates club) and country fried steak and nice buttery pancakes, which equates to two thumbs up, though those thumbs wilted once i hopped in the post-denny's taxi service and he took me to the rental car hut where they told me my reservation was cancelled when i didn't show up by 11pm even though they had my flight arrival time as 11:05 on the reservation - BASTARDS - and then there was no atm and the driver wouldn't take my card so we then spent the next 45 minutes driving around san jose looking for an atm so i could pay the quickly growing fee, then go in the rental car center and nearly cry in the arms of a friendly big-haired alamo car rental queen (and since it was parenthetical in life i will add it so here: at some point i called the santa cruz airporter and made a reservation for Immediately but the cab driver refused to take me back to the airport to try an atm there because he would get 'fined a lot ok young lady', so i missed the reservation and thus had to try and rent a car again) and the only car they had was an suv and i made the argument about how i feel on suvs and she shrugged a royal shrug and said 'well honey that's all i have right now and i think you need to be on your way,' which was totally true so then i had to book a golden suv down the gorgeous winding drive from san jose to santa cruz. to chaminade. which is a resort that looks and feels like the name sounds. the onomotopeia (sp??) of luxury landscaping.

but the drive out of there was ablaze with good vibes and good music, shared with co-trainer sharon lungo. i took the wheel about 3.5 hours out and i think we made it in 2.45 cause i have the need for speed. we stopped to meet with her spiritual uncle, fred, who was wonderful. he introduced us to his 91-year old mother who was witty and strong and beautiful with us. sharon told him i sang and he asked me to sing a song there on the spot and i sang amazing grace cause the mama liked religious songs, and he then told sharon i should learn peyote ceremony songs, so we listened to those on the drive too. beautiful songs! and then prince! and then madonna!

and now i'm in l.a. at the activista house - anjali i emailed you! hoping to see asif, kyle, bernard, davey d and celia...fingers crossed. i'm sure this will be another adventure :)

the torch passing

i'm sitting in the birmingham airport, waiting for a flight to san jose where i will drive to santa cruz, train at the women's donor network, then drive to l.a. for a couple of days learning large scale projection direct action skills.

i had to take a moment to write about the amazing experience i just had at the gathering of the elders, called by harry belafonte - i was invited by malia lazu. there was a lot of meeting and speeches, elders sharing their stories, young people feeling the pace in their spines. we had a sacred fire given to us and i got to watch my brothers biko, khari, david, kwabena, carey and others keep the fire going for the three days. it was a beautiful fire - a prayer fire, a pain fire - we took turns throwing our pain in.

the elders included folks who'd sat at the lunch counters, who sang freedom songs, stood up to gang violence, led the birmingham-selma march, all in the room with folks i now consider family, and also happen to be the groundbreaking activists of this next phase of movement. it was a passing of  the torch and i brought ashes from the sacred fire with me to keep in my home. when i got asked in the closing cirlce to sing for the group, i sang my lord what a morning - you'll hear the elders call the wake the nations underground, i'm looking to my god's right hand as the stars begin to fall. you'll the hear the youth rise up and say here i am, we are the nations underground, and i'm looking to my babies' hands when the stars begin to fall.

after three days in the woods, with the lake and the smell of alabama earth where our indigenous family had left ancestors, where my people had left ancestors - on black owned land, worked by black farmers, we came together and honestly we spent much of the time feeling the distance between us and praying, healing together to cross that distance when strategy discussions couldn't do it. we were focusing in large part on youth incarceration, as our current movement builders, many of them, are behind bars.

i let go of some pain i didn't know i was carrying, i let go with tears and song and holding people. on the last night one brother learned his grandfather was transitioning and i got to give him a chain of shells i've carried from the south pacific, they were made to protect. its amazing in particular the pain that can exist between men and women, the violent experiences, the distrust we let color our interactions because of past pain. but i see this as a time of rising above expectations in the personal realm, rising above the weaknesses of flesh and meeting each other on a higher realm, holding each other in that space and being honest about what we think must happen.

folks were talking about the ills of our current society and how we need to get down to business, but i felt this huge patience rise up in me, the kind that only responds to great urgency. a reminder crept into my soul, that we have to be patient and loving and forgiving with those we claim to love, and as diane nash taught us, we have to release the concept of enemy if we hope to overcome oppression. i sat across from kathleen cleaver, from rose sanders, i danced with harry belafonte - oh the life in those people. who they have touched. i left that place so centered in myself, and then got to the airport and had to stand, legs apart, patted down intimately - i can't let it hurt me that a black woman can get a job doing that to me. i have to love her.

i'll have pictures once i develop them, forgot to bring my digital camera so i had to get some one time use ones, but i still got the pictures.

i'm looking forward to this night alone in san jose, where i have never been. i am looking forward to the work i have to do.

peace - adrienne maree

life is good

spent the day sunbathing in the nude with my sister and steaming! oh the russian baths...please stop avoiding them and go, wednesdays is ladies only!!

this makes me smile:

http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm

you can drag him around with a mouse!

today there was a big gathering in union square of young people against bush and hot 97 wanted to play an advertisement for it and got shut down...trying to find out more...

heading for alabama tomorrow - possibly to sing a lot :)

conversations

adrienne and her landlord:

ll: adrienne, hi
a: hi _______, what's up?
ll: the magazines in the hallway, you can move those?
a: we've discussed this 13 times now ______. i told u to toss them while i was gone. i can toss them, either way, doesn't matter to me.
ll: oh ok, cause you know the girl across the hall is breaking her lease, she moving out.
a: (inner thought - is she taking her wack ass two-channel cable with her?) oh really? and that relates to the magazines in what way?
ll (slips into accent when her dander is up): i rill show the apartment. to otha people.
a: ok that's cool. can my friend look at it?
ll: no, i already have someone for it.
a: but you haven't shown it to them yet?
ll: as soon as i advertised it there were many people.
a: so can she be one of those many people to look at it?
ll: which friend is it?
a: my coworker!
ll: is this the same coworker who burned the incense that one time and almost start the fire?
a: (inner thought: yes) no i don't think so. but we already discussed that that was a one time mistake, i don't want to discuss that again.
ll: does your friend have a boyfriend?
a: what?
ll: well, all the people in and out, you have a lot of guests already.
a: but i'm never even there?
ll: well, it is not a two-person room.
a: i agree. but the girl across the hall's boyfriend lived there...
ll: yes, and they were dirty. i don't know, everytime we have certain people in there...
a: but i think they were dirty cause they were dirty, not cause they were two. can my friend see the apartment?
ll: i don't think so. i already have someone.
a: are you going to fix the bathtub?
ll: ah yes, i forgot to tell you i am coming by with the snake!
a: i don't think the snake is sufficient, honestly. a horrific muck rises out of the drain everytime i shower. it scares me frankly, and i - why don't i just call a plumber and then deduct the cost from my rent?
ll: no no no, i rill handle it. are those your shoes everyone is tripping over?
a: i organized my shoes. no one can trip over them now unless they are tripping directly into my house.
ll: and the door is being locked? i saw someone not lock the door...
a: since your letter on all of these matters, i have been double locking the front doors, so no one can break in and murder me in my sleep, or murder any of my housemates.
ll: thank you, because the police came by -
a: yes, i saw your note.
ll: its dangerous, i saw someone who looked very suspicious yesterday.
a: (inner thought - how much do i want to know what she means by that? can my heart handle it?) so you're calling the plumber?
ll: i will take care of it
a: i have to go now
ll: are you back in brooklyn?
a: for a couple days. by the way, any update on the oven?
ll: no oven. no oven can be in there.
a: but remember - when i moved in? and there was an oven?
ll: yes, then we removed it and now con edison will not like one there. you don't cook anyway, you never there.
a: i have to go, i have another call.
ll: did you get my note about the candles?
a: yes - i plan to continue burning candles and incense in the house when i am there.
ll: only when you are there tho, let your guests know.
a: no one is there when i am not there.
ll: well, let them know.
a: bye __________
ll: have a great day! very pretty today! bye!

-

adrienne and her chiropractor, with contributions by the chiropractor's office assistant/babysitter , the chiropractor's baby, and the cable guy, a naked guy and anyone else who needs to be in the retelling of this true story from earlier today.

a, running 10 minutes late and breathless and in the severe kind of back pain that builds up when you travel a lot and try to wear heels and are a freak: y'all moved!
assistant: yeah, this office is smaller. this is our first day in here. they are doing renovations.
baby: mama?
a: there was no sign downstairs about where you went. wow, that baby got big.
assistant (fine young black sista): yeah. (bitter smile) so you were the 11:30? i should put a sign down there. (looks off in the distance letting me know the sign won't be appearing downstairs)
a: yes, looking for y'all made me late...
assistant: no problem, just have a seat. ooh wait - it says here that your insurance hasn't paid their part for the last, um, 6 visits? did you know that?
a: what? (math in head = super expensive visits x 6 = FUCK)(and if i had known that i definitely wouldn't have come.)
assistant: yeah, maybe there's some paperwork you need to sign?
a: maybe. probably. stingy healthcare companies you know...who is my provider anyway?
assistant: um, aetna?
a: times are hard - i'll call them.

chiropractor comes running out of one of the treatment rooms and cable guy pokes head into office.
cable guy: i can throw the cable in over here (pointing right over assistant's desk)?
chiropractor (fidgety a-type personality with a right-shifting political indignation): actually can you bring it over and string it down the door?
cable guy: through the ceiling? uh...sure no problem.
assistant, holding baby: adrienne's here.
chiropractor: oh long time no see (she says this while not looking at me, but looking at the baby and making a goo goo face, and speaking in a goo goo voice. she takes the baby in her arms and they build for a minute, then she puts the baby down. then she walks into one of the rooms to crack a back and her daughter follows her in.)
assistant: oh shit.
chiropractor: its fine (in baby voice) she wants to watch mommy work!

random groan of pain from the naked person on the table in the room with the door open and the chiropractor using a hitachi wand vibrator on his back while her baby asks in that whiny crying baby way to be picked up and the assistant waves a badly formed toy in front of the baby and the cable guy brings in his little stepladder and smiles at me. i heart cable, so i smile back.

assistant: look we can figure out the payment thing next time or something?
baby: waaaahh!
chiropractor: does this hurt?
naked guy: rrrmmmmmeeeekkk.
chiropractor: that's good for today. (she runs back past me into the other treatment room and closes the door.)
baby, catching up with mama as door slams in her little baby face: wahhhh! mommy? mommy!!! waaaah!!
assistant: ooh its time to go huh, you're tired? hungry?
a: (inner thought: i think the baby said it wanted its mommy?) do you know when she'll get to me?
assistant: oh just a minute
chiropractor, walks out with old woman from treatment room: thanks! (chiropractor goes into other treatment room, stepping over reaching crying baby like so many cracks in a sidewalk)
random lady who clearly stole my appt when i was late: well that feels good.
a: (bitter smile.)
assistant grabs crying baby and starts walking her around, serving only to raise the sound to ear level, and my womb recoils. the woman who was just treated looks at her for a second, and then backs into the hallway, running into the cable guys ladder and we all have a precarious moment. then she's gone in a manner i call ' making a run for it'.

a moment of quiet for all, and some chuckles.

assistant, in goo goo voice: shit she didn't pay!
baby: mommy?
assistant (cracking knuckles and getting angry): i have to cover if she doesn't. that is just some shit right there.
a: (mindin my own business and remembering i forgot my checkbook)
assistant: let's go get her!
baby: waahhh!
assistant runs into the hallway with the baby. i don't see her again, and as far as i know she is still chasing that patient/criminal for a beatdown.

cable guy has spent this time carefully lifting the ceiling to string the white cable across the room as asked and is finally on the other side and stapling it.

three other ladies have walked in by now, in various assortments of gloves, hats, furs, heels and snobby looks down long or short fixed noses.

chiropractor, coming out of groaning naked man's room: that cable is big.
cable guy: yeah well, its the same size as the one in the other office.
chiropractor: yeah, its big.

cable guy cuts his eyes at me. he is tall and very normal looking and i am drawn to his predicament.
a: i wouldn't notice it if i didn't see you put it in.
chiropractor, looking sideways at me with the kind of glance you can only give someone who is about to trust you to crack they neck: it's big. can you just take it out?
cable guy: excuse me, ma'am?
chiropractor: i just can't take this right now? (both the cable guy and i are watching her realizing that she is really missing her baby but hasn't noticed the baby is gone yet) just take it back out to the other side...
cable guy: you want me to pull the ceiling all back up and unstaple everything and put it back on the other side ma'am?
chiropractor turns to the empty treatment room: adrienne, go in there.
a: (giving cable guy super sympathetic shrug) yes ma'am.

i strip down all of my clothes and she puts heat pads on me.

a: busy today, huh?
chiropractor: well someone was late and that just messes up the whole flow-
a: i was late.
chiropractor, caring hands pausing just over my back: you were late?
the whole office seems to go silent, and i can hear the women outside the room start grinding their teeth and cursing my soul. i can also feel, slighter but more important, the cable guy's empathy.
a: yeah, like 10 minutes, couldn't find -
chiropractor: i'll be right back. i have to treat these other people first cause you were late. did you work out the insurance issue?
a: (lifting onto my elbows and feeling my back protest, i soooo need this treatment) well she told me about it. i think its a high deductible. i'll figure it out.
chiropractor: fuck. ok just - just let this heat stay on for a minute and um - are you in a hurry?
a: actually i have a call in 15 minutes.
chiropractor: well i have to treat these other people first. you really need to be on time.
a: but there was no sign...
i realize chiropractor has left room.

i lay there with the heat pads on and think this out. my insurance ain't workin, so she ain't gettin paid to take care of me. when she was getting paid, she tended to be a little rough with me. now she is distracted, moving, annoyed, making unreasonable demands, her baby is gone, she thinks i was late of my own volition...do i want her laying her hands and that energy on me?

chiropractor, coming back in: oh you're dressed?
a: yeah, i don't have time to wait for this. you moved your office, that made me late, and this is just not what i need right now.
chiropractor: well i just have a lot going on right now, with the baby...

cable guy stops. ladies look up. i hold her gaze and watch her realize her baby is gone. i cut my eyes towards the door and she's off!

chiropractor: where did...

chiropractor runs out into hall while quickdrawing cell phone and autodialing assistant.
cable guy: crazy bitch.
ladies: twitter twitter. twit? twit twit? twitter.
a: (slipping out the door) bye chiropractic office that has served me so well over the past 5 years. i won't be returning.
cable guy and ladies and moaning naked man: bye!

as i stand by elevator, chiropractor comes up looking nuts.

chiropractor: i'll waive your co-pay next time!
a, smiling politely, backs into elevator: i hope you find your baby!
chiropractor literally slaps hand to forehead: right right!